Hurting, healing, grace

"I suppose that since most of our hurting comes through relationships, so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."

 So I started re-reading The Shack again. This line really stood out at me. I think it is very true. Like right on point.

Most of our hurting comes from relationships. I know that I have experienced hurt from many relationships over the years. From girls, guys (as friends of course), even family. 

Relationships. I am sure I have said it somewhere in a post before, but I think it is the coolest thing that we are able to have in this life. Meeting new people that are genuine, good people. I feel like I can usually tell after a few minutes (not all the time, cause some people are sneaky). But I think that is awesome.

Hurt is a part of life. When these relationships cause hurt though, it can be hard to move past the sadness and accept healing from that same person or others. We are all going to hurt someone. It is inevitable. Hopefully you don't just continually choose to because...that's kind of mean.

I don't want to ruin the book for you if you haven't read it, but (spoiler alert) in the book the main character has to relieve his hurt, pain, and sadness after his daughter has been kidnapped and murdered. I cannot even imagine how that would be and I hope I never ever come close to having to know. 

Healing is a part of life as well. Everyone heals differently after being hurt. Some cry. Some exercise. Some don't heal as well as others. They might drink, sulk, never process the situation, etc. 

I wanted to give an example that I do not think my dad will mind me giving. I was recently at a funeral for my grandfather (dad's dad). I did not know him well, which was unfortunate because I never really knew my grandparents. Anyways, Papaw Jeff was a World War II Vet. He was in Pearl Harbor when it was bombed on December 7, 1941. He was young and had to jump off 2 ships due to the bombs and ships sinking. I was only around him 1 time that I can recall him discussing that day. He was very broken up about it still and this is some 50+ years later. Anyways, Papaw Jeff was not the ideal father/husband. I am not saying this to be mean or rude. We all make mistakes (isn't that the truth). I say that to say this. At the funeral, I watched as my dad and his other 3 other brothers laid their father to rest. 

On the drive to Monticello I kept thinking about how my dad was going to react at the funeral. I knew that he was greatly hurt from his dad growing up and I kept thinking "I bet he thinks this will not be that tough". I knew that he would not be able to stand tall, filled with pride and pretend he was all ok. I was right. Even through all of the pain and hurt he had found some sort of healing over the years through others.

I thought this was a good story to follow up with the quote. "I suppose that since most of our hurting comes through relationships, so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside." It just perfectly depicts it for me. Sometimes that healing may take longer than expected.

I don't know what you believe in. If you believe in God, hey we have something in common. If not, we can still be friends, I am pretty cool.

My relationship with God is like most others. It is up and down. God's relationship with me is flawless though. When I feel hurt frequently by others I tend to turn that hurt into a shield and project it onto God as well, like he has done something wrong to me. That is silly though, because our healing comes from him. 

"I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside". How many times have you thought this? I have thought it a ton. 

I hope this made a lick of sense. I am a little bit rusty.  


-Adam

great scott Marty, time went by quick.

Hello friends.

Well it has been almost exactly 2 years since I have posted. I guess that is good and bad. I would like to get back into this because it is a really nice outlet for thoughts.

I am now a 21st century occupational therapist and an occupational man. I own a house. I have been working for over a year and love my job. I know I mentioned playing music with friends in my last post. That is now in the process of being turned into a CD. Still a ways to go, but I am hoping to have it within the year. Madi is now 3. It is amazing/crazy how time flies by. Also, I own a dog and I love her.

Life has been good. It has definitely thrown me some crazy curve balls that I never expected, but "let it be" or something like that. We can get into all that later.

I just wanted to post real quick and try to get back into it. I hope everyone is well and hope to get back to posting in the very near future.

-Adam

may angels lead you in.

Hello. Quick random update.

It is 2011 and I never made up a new years resolution. Hmm. I was going to have one, but I knew I would most likely not follow it. I guess I will make one up now.

I'm going to try and learn a lot and do well on my clinicals. See for those of you who do not know...or do not care...I am starting my last 6 months of grad school. I have 2 3-month clinicals where I learn about what it really means to be an occupational therapist. It is super scary, but so far I think I have done well and have already learned a lot.

So. Besides that...not too many new things in my life. I have some new people I have been hanging out with. It is a good time and I enjoy it. Life sure does get itself in a big hurry. But yeah so good things have been happening. Which brings me to the point I wanted to mention.


How do we know when we are on "the right path"? Man I don't freaking know is the honest answer.

I have kind of come to the conclusion that if you are surrounded by people who truly love you and challenge you as a person in anyway then you are probably on some sort of "right path". I have been analyzing myself (most likely over analyzing myself) at times, but it's what I do.

I feel good about where I am right now. I am basically getting ready to start my life. It is weird. I umm...want to be a kid again please?

2 more things. Random as usual. I would like to thank you or whoever you are for possibly talking to me at one point, knocking me on my ass, picking me back up, telling me like it was, or that things were going to be ok. Now that I can finally see the things you were talking about, it feels good.

Last thing I have to give credit to my friend. Andy I am calling you out. "Grow up". You said more but that sums it up. You are right, the past is in the past and it is time to start being a man. I need to focus on the present and future. Thanks for your friendship. You are a good man. A solid man.

Oh and last update that I forgot about. 2 friends of mine Harry Richardson and Matt Farris have a 'band' I guess. We have about 8 songs and working on others. I am really hoping that we get a chance to record them and let anyone who wants to listen. I will try to post a song up here soon.

Hey. Jesus. Thanks for not leaving me alone.

-Adam

what i really meant was...

Father forgive me for I have mos definitely sinned.

I slightly regret the post before this one. I lost sight of where I was going and let my angry view of people take over. I have waited a while to post to see if I could even bring the focus back to where I was originally going. I don't I remember it, but after reading what I put I have a good thing to say. Well a couple of good things to say. 

1st. My apology.

I did want to be brutally honest about how I feel about churches today but I think there is a major difference between honesty and angry honesty (if that works). I do not know why I have always had this negative attitude towards larger churches. I have never even been a member of one. I have only gone once in a blue moon with people but every time I go I cannot look past all of the materialistic things. I will stop right here before I start it up again. Let us all be honest really fast.

Church is a business...and business is freaking booming. BUT....

These corporations do service a lot of good into our communities. They raise money, spend it on others(sometimes), they hire a staff to work and make money who may not have had a job...there is a huge list of the good and the bad...

I am sorry for assuming that everyone who attends a larger church is not gaining something out of it. I do not know them or how they feel inside. I know that some people go to a larger church for status and others because they genuinely enjoy it. Who am I to condemn them for not seeing or viewing things how I see them? So there is my apology. Every church is great and terrible. 

2 more things.

I do hate it when someone uses a sports analogy to analyze their relationship with God. Or even better...some analogy about exercising and God. So I am going to go above and beyond those people and use music (cause that is my sports, exercise, and all other dumb analogies). 

"Look Closer"

I have posted some of these lyrics before. I will just take a couple out because they always make me think.

"Cause we are all born into a control mindset,

God/money makes a death threat on ethics,

Governed by greed and a stale routine.

Can we just justify the means if we're plugged in?

We all need to wake up cause we've been detached for too long.

We need to deprogram from shifting with the public eye.

We have a right to question why, re-sensitize and look closer." 

Just pretty much sums up "Christian culture". You are born into this mindset that sets you apart from non-believers (of course this is not everyone). Greed and stale routine...we have all experienced. Detached for too long from the basic principle. The easiest thing to understand out of the Bible. Jesus. And yes we do have a right to question why. 

"Get schooled, get married, get it on. Start a family. Hurry. Move along.

They want to benign complacency. This is where we start to look closer."

Yep. Just...yep.

The last thing I want to tell you I have forgotten for a while. That is the simple concept of "God is everywhere...and he will use anyone and anything to present himself. Sure "christians" represent "followers of Christ". But God will and does use everyone whether they know it or even want it or not. I have had more meaningful relationships with nonbelievers and it felt right. I know God has used me for them, but I feel like he has used them for me more. 

And no matter how I feel about a person or a church, he uses them for good as well.

Random side note. My friends are amazing. I would never pick and choose over them. I feel like we were all connected for some reason. Good times.

Love you.

-CAW

You need to get closer with God or you must repent son!

Been about a month. I guess it is time for me to write some nonsense. Also to anyone who actually does read this...I literally do not have any solid answers. I mean if you can tell...I am just a kid who is rambling trying to figure it out. If I have offended or do offend you in anyway, just click the small X at the top right corner or the left corner(for mac users only). I am only hoping to enlighten and I have no intentions on upsetting or offending. I am literally stumbling around in the darkness trying to grab onto some light when I see it.


I mean that sentence "you need to become closer to God, that is the problem!" It makes me think of the hundreds of times I have heard it directed towards people I know or just others who it should not be directed towards. I mean while we are at it....

"you need to go to church"
"you need to stop sinning"
"you need to read your bible more"
"you better come to this retreat or meeting and we will fix you"
"please give me your money because by partaking in our extensive 10 week program we can get your life back on track"

ok....ummm...pass. Yes, Pat I would love to solve the puzzle....Alex, what is......Mr. Barker the price is.....

Christianity, what is "legalism" and the price is millions of dollars....I win! Where is my prize?

I find two enormous problems with the title of this post...the word need and closer.

I have heard this statement and I have said it to myself multiple times in my life. I don't understand how keeping a consistent track record at church can improve you in the kingdom of heaven. I mean have you been to church lately? It is slim freaking pickens out there. I feel like I can't swear around these christians or make a inappropriate joke. "stop sinning?" oh ok yeah cause that is really easy....maybe I will just read the bible more....listen I am a terrible bible reader...I mean I love paul's writing, but lets just be thankful he is a forgiving God, cause those dudes back then definitely needed some hooks in their writing cause it is dry at some parts.

I know I am making jokes and being very sarcastic but I am being trying to be honest. Here is a bold statement...I don't need to do anything to in order for God or Jesus to love me more or even less. I cannot change that about him. That is what is amazing...So should we even go to church or read bibles or this and that? Well of course....I am not saying that at all. I love meeting with a small number of people and sharing stories and discussing God and the bible. To me that is church...and it does not need to be in a "church". I am pretty sure it is more effective if it is not in a "churchy" setting. Cause let's be honest....if you are sitting in a big church...you are trying to get out of there as soon as possible in order to be the first in line at the coffee shop (in the church). Hey man you like your coffee! No big deal. Have it your way, its the burger king slogan.

But seriously...need? Ok so I neeeeeeed to do this in order for God to accept me? Why would we ever put that pressure on someone? That is clearly the opposite of what Jesus represents. We should be rejoicing and celebrating our lives that we have been given. Even through all of the shit that everyone goes through....yes...you...if you think that you have not had any shit come your way...just wait cause it is coming....I am not excited about mine either....and to those of you who wonder when your "shit" will stop....(that is not meant the way it sounds)...it will stop. I don't know when but I promise you that it will one day and hopefully if you are lucky God will present himself to you. I mean he always presents himself, but he definitely makes it easier sometimes.

Imagine life if there was no evil...no death...no sin...and it was not hard to engage in a relationship with God or Jesus. We all actually constantly devoted our lives to learning about the father. Oh how that life would be easier...but that is not the world we live in. We live in a world where it is easier for me to listen to Satan most of the times rather than God. Satan's way just always sounds better!!! It sounds more fun!

I just want grow closer to God....oh wait...what? What does that even mean? Grow closer to God? I am sure that someone has put a definition on it...but damn. So now I have to grow closer to him? How is that possible? What does it even mean to grow closer to God? I thought we shared a relationship? We have a relationship so how would it not grow deeper instead of closer? I like the word deeper and I think it applies to this instead of growing closer. You always hear people say to get closer to God...but how am I supposed to find out more information about him because every time I find out something new I run into more questions and brick walls.

Exactly. Deeper...is the way. Grow deeper by searching and learning...asking questions. He will probably ease your mind with a few of them...but you may be stuck with the others until you die. I am sorry to break it down like that but its the trooooth! I mean even if the questions were answered...don't you think there would be more questions? It is a never ending cycle. Trying to box up the unboxable. God is so mysterious that you barely know anything...yet you have to invest in a relationship where he knows everything about you and what you have done and will do. All we have on him is a tiny tiny sand particle.

You and God are already as close as you will be...because he is so close to you it is impossible for him to be any closer. I mean like seriously...he is in my room right now and I kind of wish he would give me some peace and quiet. "Hey-zeus, back up off me" is what I just said out loud. We cannot grow closer...but we can get deeper!

Something that is random but I read about it last night was about not giving up on searching and learning....

I just started reading Velvet Elvis and Rob says that it is good to question and good to search. Well that makes me feel better...cause I have been searching and questioning for about a year now...I def have some of my answers (which sprouted new questions) but I have learned that God and I have deepened our relationship. It is a slow process...really slow.

One thing that encouraged me about 4 or so months ago was from a woman who is in her late 70's. She is quite possibly one of the wisest and loving person I have met. I said something one time along the lines of searching for God and questioning him and his shenanigans.

She responded something like so..."Adam I am nearly 80 years old and I have not stopped learning new things about our glorious God. He has never stopped revealing himself to me in anything and everything. And son, he wont stop."

That gave me hope and comfort...as well as fear. I was glad to hear that he doesn't give up on people but I was frightened to hear that she was just as lost as I was, but ahead in the game than me.

I don't know how I feel about this post since I literally just wanted to write again so I kept going and tried to see what my mind would type. It typed this. So I sincerely hope that whoever reads it gets something out of it.

Oh and to all of those "christians" who spread the news and bring people to christ and stuff...hey great job, but make sure that numbers are not your priority....relationships are your priority.

Bring joy to those around you and that is God's work right there.

Just remember....you don't need to do what these people are telling you. They will take your money.

Here is a sweet quote from C.S. Lewis and it is the most truth I have heard in a while.

"If you're thinking of becoming a Christian, I warn you, you're embarking on something which will take the whole of you" 


"Wait on the Lord and keep His way and He shall exalt you" Psalm 37:34.


-Christohperson Wilkerson

"hey honey...can you go get the paper?" "yeah sure babe! (i really hate you)" part 2

I can picture the scenario above and hundreds of other scenarios in my head that play out over and over in a standard marriage. And yes this is part 2 of my previous post....I realized after I read it last night that it did not really have a closing chapter. I mean I am going to wind up saying the same thing I always say because I just had an enormous experience with it (that's what she said)....and I really learned something from it.

Also....you ever run into those people who act like they know everything about one area of life because they went through it and had a really hard time? Then after they come through it and learn a lot they try to preach it out to everyone? (Oh hello! That is me!) But the good thing is...this is my blog...and if you read this...."you will listen to every damn word I have to say". (Adam Sandler, The Wedding Singer, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s5xsVHOJQs if you care to watch - at 23 seconds). You will find that I will be putting a joke or two every now and then in these posts...because I am in a good mood now. So I thought I should spread it!

Ok I am going to try and cover 2 things quickly and make them clear. I doubt it will happen. Also as stated everything I always post are just my opinions and views...if you disagree with them...that is fine. I may be crazy, but you can leave this site and never return. Just kidding. But seriously please do not ever visit this site again.

Let's hit this touchy subject first....an American Marriage....now this is going to be very stereotypical....but just try to see what I am saying.

Guy and girl date...couple of years...maybe not even couple of years.Guy proposes...girl of course says yes. They plan wedding...get married....get a house...both work....attend church (most likely a big one)....meet friends at work and church. They live their life. Now that doesn't sound like a bad idea right? I mean hey I am alone....I would like to lay down next to someone at night. Well I have figured out that there is a differencing between experiencing life....rather than living it.


Now I have seen this movie several times but last night I watched it again with my dad (Papa Jeff...bad-ass). The movie Yes Man. Jim Carrey says no over and over....he is really not even experiencing life...but towards the end he understands what it means to actually live life!


Now back to the stereotypical marriage...are they really living life? Or are they just two people following the formula that either their parents followed or that our culture has created for you? Now let's talk about how the church has influenced this relationship....a bond that no one really understand unless they understand what a relationship with God is like....and I am pretty sure that you cannot fully understand that either....so why the hell are we always trying to find a perfect definition on something that should be between God and us (man and wife)?


I have heard many church leaders say this, that, and the other about marriage....have God at the center, be sure to commune with your fellow married friends....be sure to do this....go do that...and don't forget to do this...


That formula will = an absolute destruction...for me at least...What does it even mean to have God at the center? I have said that before and I had no idea what it really meant. How can God be at the center when he is/has/will always already be there? He doesn't go away from time to time. That is what is such a blessing. You cannot get rid of him (that is hard to accept). God is at the center of everyone. Whether they choose at acknowledge him or not...that is their choice. So why don't you acknowledge your God...ask him how to better yourself for your spouse....all of that jazzy stuff....

It is not bad to commune with your friends...but please do not let someone give you a To-Do list and you begin to check it off. Now obviously you are not going make a tangible list...but you will in your head...and the minute that you miss out on something...guilt will set it. Do not set yourself up for failure!!! Dude, go hang out with your friends...share experiences...stories...laugh....maybe drink a little wine (appletini for me)...just relax and enjoy their company....Jesus is there. God is there. He is their rejoicing with you. He has always been there and he knows your stories...but he would love to hear them over and over because he loves us.

I think that the standard American marriage does not live like this often....I think they become absorbed into the 'procedure' or begin to do what a high spiritual leader tells them they should be doing....

After they obviously fail by searching for God (happiness) in routines and forced conversations.....the sadness sets in...that turns to anger...anger turns to hate.....and hate turns to suffering.....(Yoda, The Phantom Menace). But seriously....the man or woman begin to throw their anger at each other or God because they have been floating through life and following these rules or guidelines and cannot match up to them. (To those couples that are still together by following all of that stuff....wow...mad props...and if they are actually happy....then they are lying to themselves...or maybe they are demons)

I said it in my previous post. We do not know exactly what a marriage looks like....we can read and read from what God try to tell us....but Christians tend to translate things a little on the crazy sides sometimes. Why not just think....use your brain and heart. God will help you make the decisions.

My other topic which ties into this as well is Love and Safety. (sorry this is long)

Love Vs. Safety.....this is what I really wanted to say in my first post but I just didn't.

I have found a fine line between actual love....and then a sense of feeling safe.....I lived in the first one for a while.....then I lived in the second one. It is basically the same as "experiencing life vs actually living life".

Love your spouse...love them because you actually love them....not because it has been 3 years and they really helped you out during that rough patch of life. Love them because you see what his/her heart really looks like. Love them because you want to not because you have to...Time should not be an issue....that will end up in a terrible spiral that could end in murder. Do not seek comfort in safety....(here is my repetitive message)....do not settle on someone because it is your high school sweet heart and they know everything about you and its just too much work to invest in someone else....that my friend...is experiencing life...and settling in life...in safety.

It is just not fun to me. If it works for some...hey good luck. Don't end up only finding happiness in your kids...I did not want to say it...but I had too.

My friend Brad posted an interesting/terrible comment on the first part of this topic...and he is right...well about the first part...we are given time to find out who we are as people...we should take it! We should grow up and learn how we can be that "perfect" husband or wife! Do not rush your life! Just relax and realize that something is cooking up....if you rush your life...you might just miss it!

Well that is pretty much it...I will post again soon about some touchy stuff!

-Christopher A-to the dam

Oh, please do not get married just so you can have sex...you Christians will do it without realizing it...trust me I was almost there. That is the most absurd thing ever....crazy kids these days...

I now pronounce you husband and wife....(umm....crap...)

I know I said I would post this 'tomorrow' like two weeks ago....but I just kept going back and forth on what to say and decided against what I was originally going to post. Also I got a little busy.

So I promised I would describe my journey. And I sincerely hope I do not offend anyone with this post. I will most likely make some snide remarks about marriage and all that jazz. (not that i don't support it...just read it to understand my nonsense) And these are just my opinions and views on marriage. They could be absolute crap for all I know.

Well....

So there we were...getting close to the "do we get married.....or what" talk. I of course outwardly expressed yes and feelings of happiness. But honestly on the inside I just could not fathom the idea of being married yet. I was 20 years old and was trying to figure out if I wanted to be with this person forever. That is a big question! I mean to me it is. It scares me when people (guys and girls) are so quick to make that decision in their head. Did they even really think about it??? I don't think it is wrong for me to say that I thought about it a lot. It wasn't that I was unsatisfied with this person. I just constantly had something in the back of my mind that said "no...you are not ready".

It was a constant battle back and forth. I always had a feeling that I was not ready. Now I have a better understanding of why...and what marriage is about (well...kind of).

I was so young....I am still so young. I have so many things that I am still learning (yeah you can still learn them being married). But I want to have an idea of who I really want to be with. I want to know more about myself. I want all of those other cliche things about a woman too...(like from the notebook...all that kinda stuff...) Just kidding, but seriously.

Here is a big reason or the reason that I realized it could not have worked out. And this does not apply to everyone...I know some great couples that I think are truly in love and are genuinely happy (they still fight, which i think is a good sign). I had put so much time and effort into the relationship...that I was just going to see it through. We dated in high school and throughout college. It was time to take the next step (according to all of these young couples who take the plunge). I think I would have been somewhat happy if it would have gone that way...but this person and I were not on the same wavelengths. I thought that was how it went....you are together for so long...now its time to get married. If that works for you, then hey, don't listen to me...I am not even married...so honestly I have no idea what the hell I am talking about.

I just didn't/don't want to wake up 25 years down the line and realize that I am not happy. I don't want to have that thought in my head of...."why did I even get married to this person?". I guess there is no way of really knowing that...huh? I mean you could marry the perfect person and still be unhappy with them.

"Want to see a woman stop shaving her legs, and guy get a beer belly.....get em married" (Friends, Season 8).

Now do not get me wrong. I cared for this person very deeply. I would have done anything for her....(all the cliche things that a guy would do for a girl). But I had that voice that kept bugging me. I am thankful that she ended the relationship, because I started to side with the mindset of "well...I guess I am in it for the long haul". And brother, that is not cool....

In my original post I was going to say what I thought a marriage should look like...but I honestly don't know. I think everyone is different....I also know that I absolutely hate it when a marriage tries to conform into what a church tells them to do. I think they are just setting themselves up to fail and will be disappointed in the end...God knows what a marriage should be like. Why don't you just ask him...? I guess I will start so I can hopefully have some sort of an idea.

I bet it has a lot to do with growing up!

I apologize that this really made no sense. I mean like no sense...I am trying to help myself get through everything by writing it all down. If you got something....I am glad.

I do know that when I propose to a girl....there will be no greater proposal. I have a couple random cool ones in my mind, but it really depends on the person and what she likes. I just want to walk away from it knowing that I could not have done a better job. I also would like for her to tell the story to others and if there are any guys around they think to themselves..."well....damn....what am I supposed to do now...? this guy dominated my idea..."

-Adam

There is a difference between safety and happiness. The former...easier...but the latter...much more fulfilling.