Find your own happiness, I can't seem to find mine.

So. It has been quite a while since I actually got the guts to write to this thing again. I don't know why it has taken me so long to write....well I do...I'd be lying to myself if I said that.

Well I have come to a conclusion. I don't know if it is right. If it is even a good one. I just feel like it came to me over the almost 2 months of not writing.....

i am responsible for my own happiness right now.

I kept on looking to my friends to bring something to the table. I kept looking for them to fulfill my meter of this imaginary satisfaction I have created. I was looking to my family to give me all of the love I needed. I was expecting them to make me feel 100 percent better all of the time. Where my friends and family have done so much to give me happiness and love....its not the same, or at least it is not what I am trying to say.

I don't even know exactly what I am trying to say. I mean I would hate to throw out the cliche answer and say that you will only find all of your happiness and love in your relationship with God. Where that may be, and probably is true....I am having the hardest time following through with that.

I have been constantly meeting new people, seeing friends graduate, seeing friends progress in life, move away, get a job, the same old routine that happens as we age....but I have to wonder...are they even happy?

I have always considered myself to be happy and have a lot going for me (which i do...trust me, i have no doubt how blessed I am and how fortunate i am. thank you Jesus for that) but lately I have figured that I am going to have to do something myself if i want this uplifting feeling in my life now. I felt like when I was younger, happiness was never an issue, it was just playing with friends...doing nothing...now it is work to me.

Is this even making sense to you? It is not at all to me. let me be blunt....this brand new song is how i feel a lot recently...

"I know you'll come in the night like a thief, but I've had some time Oh, Lord, to hone my lying technique, I know you think I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared, I'll get scared, and I swear I'll try and nail you back up."

I am not trusting God right now. I am trying to. It is hard for me to. It makes it even harder for me to know that when I do become close and let him help me and love me, that I know sooner or later I am going to "nail him back up". And believe me when I say I am not trying to be negative, I am just trying to be honest.

How am I supposed to let people close to me if I cant even trust the one who I worship and claim to love more than any being in this world?

This all relates to my first point of "finding your own happiness" because, I honestly cant seem to find mine. I don't think this is a bad thing right now. I am hoping I am just growing up and figuring out who I am and where I am on this amazing, but terrifying and uncomfortable thing we call life. I connect it with this....

I read a post by a dear friend of mine not to long ago, about walking with a positive mindset, or a mindset set on God if you will. A mindset where you may not know where the hell you are going, or why you are upset, but a mindset and a plan that you will keep going. You will keep fighting.....and never...ever....give up on searching. I like to think I have been searching for these past 2 months...not so much fighting or praying for guidance...but definitely searching for it.

And it almost upsets me to know that I finally found my cliche answer again. Damn......and as I am typing this it becomes even more clear.

Jesus. Why does it always have to be that "simple"? Well it is a simple answer, with many many ways of getting there, at least it is for me.

So. My plan? I honestly don't really know. I am going to try and pursue that relationship again. I remember what it feels like. It seems like that might solve my two problems right now....finding my happiness....and figuring out what the hell i am doing in life. The sad thing is I know I am only at the start, this event could possibly happen again.

Maybe next time I will be more prepared.

I saw something so simple it literally brought me to tears....sad to say it was in the movie "Evan Almighty".
In the movie Morgan Freeman (God) says to Evan's wife...."when people pray for patience...do you think God just gives it to them? No, he provides them with an opportunity to be patient..." It made me think, how simple it is....but how I always seem to turn it into either a complex situation...or how I expect God to baby me and just give me my patience...or whatever else I ask.

That was random....this may have been so convoluted you got nothing out of it. I'm sorry. I am going to start writing again though. So yeah.


-Christopher. A. Wilkerson.