Destin. Spring Break.

good time in destin. i will write more. about it. but hope everything and everyone is well. school is almost out. i am ready to be out of this place.


-christopher adam

So you don't want to go to church anymore? Eh?

“Although I had been a Christian for more than two decades, I had no concept of who Jesus was as a person and no idea how I could change that.”

That is a quote from this book I have been reading. I have not be a Christian for over two decades and I would like to think I have or have had some concept of who Jesus was as a person. But I just recently discovered how to "change that".

I consider Jesus the same as God. Both are love. Both are amazing. 

I find many themes in this book and I have almost finished it. I absolutely love it because of how down to earth it is. It is, to me, "Christianity that is actually all about following Christ", not "Christianity that seeks approval or makes one feel better for doing good deeds". I could go on and on with that stuff, but the purpose of this post is to describe what I have already taken out of it. I have not even finished it, but I am already planning on re-reading it in order to fully soak it in.

The main character in the book is constantly searching and trying to figure out how to grow closer to God. He goes through many trials, complications, and low points in his life. He tries to find God at first, by creating these excessive routines or schedules and learns that it does not work that way. I am not against a "quiet time" (have not said that reference in a while) every morning. I do not think that is wrong at all. I think it is wrong when we, as people set up these schedules and routines and then miss a day or two and then we look down upon ourselves, or even sometimes get the notion that God is disappointed we missed that quiet time. I think that is silly if we are striving to seek God and we truly want to know him more, but we focus on making every little thing right, when we all know that sometimes life is going to throw a curve ball at us and we will not be able to make our daily appointments. Trust me I am not knocking or bashing doing this! I like to read at night because I am not a morning person.

I have also realized that living in the moment that God has given us now is so important. Everyday is a chance to live in joy and I can definitely agree and know that hard times happen, but obsessing over the future can almost always only lead to trouble. I have learned to be able to almost always have my door open to talk to God/Jesus. I have learned that He doesn't require you to be in a church to talk to him. You don't have to be on your knees to pray. I have found some of my most connected moments with God have been while running or driving, or riding my bike. I am able to see the things he has done. I am able to listen to music and just open myself up. Sometimes I don't even say anything I just close my eyes and feel like I am receiving a hug. Every time I do that I just get the chill bumps all over. I have never felt that freedom like I do now.

I would like to believe it is because I am finally starting to learn and grow up, but by constantly seeking him out to help guide me. I am trying to accept wherever I go and whoever I go with, that is what should happen. I want to love whatever situation that is put in front of me.

But I rambled, like usual. Basically in the book so far, the main character has been counseled by this man he believed at one point was the Apostle John. John represents Jesus and does nothing but provide an amazing example of love, forgiveness, and a longing to establish a relationship.

I know it sounds weird...but I just thought of this. I want to have a stronger relationship with Jesus, than I do any person on this earth. That is a weird concept because we cannot physically see him. We are establishing a relationships built on faith and love. I failed to mention the Holy Spirit earlier, but this is how we have this connectedness and love with our Father. The Holy Spirit is what connects us. Also, we are so afraid to let ourselves be fully involved in relationships with other people, but it seems it should be easier with God because he has never done anything but tell us how much he loves us. Jesus wanted his message across, and that message was to connect with him...love him...love everyone else.

Seems simple enough? Well it's not. It is hard to love.

Just some random thoughts. Hope you can take something from it.

"In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul."

Psalm 138:3

He does answer, but sometimes it takes a while. Be patient those of you who are longing for something. He will never ever put you through something you cannot handle or that is not worth it in the end.

-Christopher Adam

I want questions. I want answers. I'll take both please.

That is all we do. Want...want...want...I still feel that way even though I openly admit it and know it.

I had the pleasure of enjoying a great evening this past Saturday with 2 good friends. We talked about life, love, relationships, sadness, overall questions of life that we often ask (I do very often).

It got me thinking...I have noticed myself listening to more music centered around trying to 'figure it out'. Most of them pertain to God and why are these specific things happening in my life. Why me? Why does it suck? Where is the good? You know basic, "me me me" stuff. We can never get enough of complaining. I know I can't. But anyways, this music has influenced a lot of my thinking. Thinking about life, about love, about relationships, sadness, happiness...you get it.

I have been able to pray honestly a lot more often. I don't understand why we get in this mindset we are not able to ask God questions. I mean I have not cursed Him, well yet, but I have definitely had thoughts come through my mind recently such as..."I do not see any reason for any of this". Of course we can all fill in the blank of the classic Sunday School answer of "Oh!!! Don't worry! God does everything for a purpose and it will bless you in the end!!!" Yeah, well listen crazy lady who probably judges all of those children....that may be correct (and yes I do believe that), but you try and tell that to someone who is truly hurting, and he/she should shove it right back at you.

"We're at our best when we're at our worst". I am taking the "worst" as lowest point when it comes to grief and sadness. I feel like that is true. Over these past few months I was at my worst. But during this time I have been able to grow up so much. I have been able to actually establish a relationship with someone who I will always love and trust, even when I don't understand it. I am not afraid to ask questions. I cannot think of a time when I have been told, that it is ok or acceptable to question God and his plan. Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying that he is doing anything wrong, I am saying I want to be able to be close with my Savior. For me to have an absolute close relationship with him, of course I will eventually learn to accept everything he has done for me in my life, but that doesnt mean I will just be overly happy about every time I get dominated emotionally or physically. Why would someone who just broke their back and say "Oh God, I am so excited I am in pain, I know this is for a reason!". That is not cool. I am honestly afraid to state I am a "christian" in public because of how we act. I think if I said this information in public, I would be in trouble.

I don't know who I am more worried for, a Christian who will accept everything as soon as they hear it or a nonbeliever who has an amazing heart and has shown more love than the religious. I think it is almost easier for me to trust nonbelievers rather than Christians. I feel like I can have a more spiritual conversation with them. (I know this is not true all of the time, but I have honestly met non-believers that have had greater hearts than tons of believers, and I know for a fact there are tons more out there).

I know this is kind of "scary" or random, I don't know. I just hate to think we are not allowed to be curious.
I hope no one thinks I have lost any faith or anything. That is completely the opposite. I have done nothing but increased my faith. Because I have learned to accept through time what I have gone through, and why it had to happen. It took 5 months for me to accept it. I fought with God for a while. After I got no where, and after realizing I was a little outmatched, I stepped down.

So I decided to do the only thing I knew what to do. I prayed and journaled. I said "I don't like this, I am upset with you right now, but I know you love me, please let me get through this and come out stronger". My prayers are and have come true. Thank you Father.

I love you. Please continue to provide....I know you will. (But I may ask you to hurry it up...cause I'm inpatient.)

-Christopher Adam Wilkerson.

My life was mapped out.

Don't get me wrong. I mean I was excited to have my life planned out for the next 5, 10, 20 years. But...that kind of stuff changes. And besides, how can I act like I know or have a clue what is going to happen or where I will be?

Well I will tell you why and how...because I want safety....I want comfort. I do not want to have 'unexpected' events to happen. I want full control. Ahhhh....control....it is so nice. I have come to a beautiful yet frightening realization.

The moment I become comfortable and content....I am not happy. I think I am happy. I think that feeling safe is happiness. Let me tell you something. You can feel safe alllll you want. But to me that is not happiness. I mean sure I want to feel safe and comfortable with that person, but what else is there?

That is a question I have been constantly asking myself. I really have not grasped the full answer yet, but I am pretty sure it is a very large one. I think it could be like never ever 'settling' into the daily routines (I know it is impossible to avoid with somethings), but always trying on both ends. I am no where near marriage because I know I have to grow up a lot. I want to know in my heart that I am ready and will constantly seek a continuous relationship with my wife. I have lived too many dull moments, and I will live a ton more, but at least it makes me feel better typing this. I just want to be a man that never gives up, that never settles in anything for her or myself.

Having said all of that. I never would have realized it if it wasnt for an 'unexpected' event. Those events can open a lot of eyes and doors. It sure has allowed me to see who I really am and who I would love to strive to be. I would like to be the man my parents have raised me to be. I think I am finally on the right track. I look forward to where it takes me. I think, well actually I know, that it will take me somewhere and to someone absolutely amazing.

I know it sucks. But don't count on your life being mapped out. It is in a sense, but you have no idea what could or couldnt happen. I know it sucks not knowing the answers. I have obsessed over that long enough and it is a lot easier now that I do not worry about it.

Love can bring happiness & it can tear you down to nothing.

Learn from it. You will gain some happiness back.


Quick side note.

March 3, 2010 was my mother's 55th birthday. My mother has done nothing but amazing things in my life. She is the strongest woman I know and her heart has showed me what it is like to really love someone. Her birthday was on a wednesday and the weather exemplified who she was. It was beautiful. I could do nothing but smile when I was outside, because I could only think of her. Mom, I love you. There is nothing really more to say.

- Christopher Adam

friendship. it is very important to me. especially these 2

Whenever I think back on high school. I think of a couple of things. I think of playing drums in our band for a few years. I remember how there was really nothing to do in high school. I remember sitting at the lunch tables after eating and just talking to friends. But. The part I remember and miss the most was my senior year. I feel like my senior year was one of the greatest years of my life. I became good friends with 2 people that year. I became very close to them both and loved and still love them to this day. We were inseparable. We hung out all of the time. We were the three 'amigos', as a lot of dorky people say. 

High school came and went in a few weeks it seemed. Summer began and then college started. College went by even faster. I mean it is almost the end of my 4th year. I have graduated and am in graduate school. What happened to seeing my 2 friends everyday after school? Playing music in my garage? Going to a parking lot and doing nothing? Being bored? Now life has come and we got ourselves in a big damn hurry it seems. Just like Brooks says in shawshank redemption.

The thing I love about these two people is how we all appreciate each other whether or not we are vocal about it. It is just understood. We are all too proud almost anyway to even say it out loud. That is a 'guy' for ya I guess.

Here is where my dilemma comes into play. I know I am no where near perfect and I never claim to be. I don't want anyone to ever get the impression I have all the answers, because I do not. But I always wanted to do my best to be an example or just be there for them. I feel like I don't have the answers anymore. I felt at one time I could be there for them anytime and help comfort them with whatever they needed. Now I just feel like I do not have any advice that makes anything better. I always wanted to be strong and present no weakness, but that is impossible. I am in a point in my life where I am growing up myself and going through many life changes. It hurts me when I do not have an answer...I want to have a 'magic answer' that makes it all better. But I am looking for that answer myself.

Life would be easier if we could go back to that senior year I believe. Now things are very different. They are harder.

Mike - I have known you for a long time. I honestly never would have thought you would be put in my life the way you were. I have respect for you more than anyone on this earth, and that is the absolute truth. I care about what you think more than anyone I have ever met and I don't think that will change. I have seen you at all time low's and all time high's. You have been through so much that it just hurts me to think about. I would do anything in this world for you and have never bonded with someone like I have you. I love you and appreciate everything you are and have done for me. As for Madison....I know how much she means to you. She makes you actually express yourself, which let's face it, you like to keep that inside. I would not be where I am without you. I love you like I love my own brother.


Joe - I have also known you for a long time. I remember how you and I never clicked until senior year. I hope you know how much I love you. I always hated how people never could look at a person's heart. You have a heart that I don't even know you are aware of. It is such a forgiving and loving heart. You have been through so much as well. I hate it for you and wish nothing but happiness for you. I hate it that I cannot provide you with an adequate answer that will make you feel better. I can only hope that the good times are right around the corner. I have told you things that no one else has ever heard. I will never...ever...think any differently of you. I will never and have never thought any less of you. You could never do anything to make me love you any less. That is a promise. I will always love you and want to be in your life. If you let me, I will. You make me laugh every time I am around you. You are a genuine person. I want you to know how I care about you. 

Friendships are usually only for a particular season in our lives. Friends come and friends go. I cannot accept this statement when it pertains to our friendship. I will not accept it. There was and still is something too strong for us to think that our friendship was a season. I love you both. I pray for you both often. I don't think I will ever run into a friendship like this one again.

I can only hope and pray that we all grow up into the people we were made to be. I know that during this specific moment may be difficult for us all. But I have seen how strong both of you are. And I know...I really do know....we will all make it.

"give ear to my words, Lord, consider my sighing,
listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray,
in the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation"
Psalm 5:1-3

I am waiting for them to be answered.

I love you both.

Tell me another story.

-Christopher Adam Wilkerson