Let's get real....real honest.

Ok. This will be short. I woke up earlier today...not at 12:04pm...I promise. I just felt good. I decided...."you know what...I am tired of this "dark" mindset that I have been having. I think I have been almost forcing myself in it, for reasons I do not know...at all.

So here is my plan...because I stated earlier this month...I needed some sort of plan of action. I don't think it has to be some "amazing five step plan"...I just think/know now I need something. I need a better routine in life.

I know I am still only 22 years old and I still plan on having plenty of fun....but....I mean it is time to start growing up...I hate to say it. I want to make an excuse for the dumb things I do and say "oh i am just young and immature". I mean I could say that now but I would be going against how I feel inside. I will also admit, I will probably do a few stupid things before I die...I am just taking a guess, but I think you get the picture mostly.

I have not had alcohol in over 2 weeks. Not that I drink a ton or anything, but I did go through a period were I was drinking more than I felt I should. I am not trying to excuse myself, but I mean...I still didn't drink like most college kids. I am no better, just had to throw that out there in case my mom reads this.

So back to my plan and my darkness...

I have been constantly searching and questioning things. Not really in a bad way...just a "I am curious about this, why did this happen". I think were I have been going wrong was that I have not actually been 'searching' I have been telling myself that. I have not actually sat down and prayed or written about it. I suck right? Yes.
I want to stop thinking 'dark' thoughts.

My plan? It's the annoying/simple/cliche answer. I need to pray.

For the longest time and even now I have a really hard time with prayer. I just want to see the benefits immediately. I don't have patience. So I will learn to have it. I will learn and grow up. I have to do this. I want to know what life and love really is about. I don't think I have ever experienced it fully for or for an extended period of time. I want to love someone else like Jesus loves me. That will be a big challenge but I know that I have never really loved and appreciated like I can or should. I also know I can do it.

See? I already feel better by writing this down and by knowing what I will do. I hope I can stick to it. I want to grow and learn what life is all about.

I started reading the book "The Shack". I have only read a few pages...but I have a feeling this will be a part of my routine. Good luck to you all. I hope you are finding what you are all looking for.

Don't be satisfied with what you are in, unless you are constantly being challenged and learning something. Complacency is the devil. I have been hanging with the devil for quite sometime.

-Christopher Adam Wilkerson-

"It's hard to be the better man
When you forget you're trying
It's hard to be the better man
When you're still lying"

yes.

The night's hard to get through, with nobody in your bed....right?

I think everyone should at least just listen to this song. To me it means a lot. It also says a lot about how I feel right now. I am searching. Attempting to fight. I am tired.

myspace.com/brandnew

"Jesus / Jesus Christ"


Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
'cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you're coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Find your own happiness, I can't seem to find mine.

So. It has been quite a while since I actually got the guts to write to this thing again. I don't know why it has taken me so long to write....well I do...I'd be lying to myself if I said that.

Well I have come to a conclusion. I don't know if it is right. If it is even a good one. I just feel like it came to me over the almost 2 months of not writing.....

i am responsible for my own happiness right now.

I kept on looking to my friends to bring something to the table. I kept looking for them to fulfill my meter of this imaginary satisfaction I have created. I was looking to my family to give me all of the love I needed. I was expecting them to make me feel 100 percent better all of the time. Where my friends and family have done so much to give me happiness and love....its not the same, or at least it is not what I am trying to say.

I don't even know exactly what I am trying to say. I mean I would hate to throw out the cliche answer and say that you will only find all of your happiness and love in your relationship with God. Where that may be, and probably is true....I am having the hardest time following through with that.

I have been constantly meeting new people, seeing friends graduate, seeing friends progress in life, move away, get a job, the same old routine that happens as we age....but I have to wonder...are they even happy?

I have always considered myself to be happy and have a lot going for me (which i do...trust me, i have no doubt how blessed I am and how fortunate i am. thank you Jesus for that) but lately I have figured that I am going to have to do something myself if i want this uplifting feeling in my life now. I felt like when I was younger, happiness was never an issue, it was just playing with friends...doing nothing...now it is work to me.

Is this even making sense to you? It is not at all to me. let me be blunt....this brand new song is how i feel a lot recently...

"I know you'll come in the night like a thief, but I've had some time Oh, Lord, to hone my lying technique, I know you think I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared, I'll get scared, and I swear I'll try and nail you back up."

I am not trusting God right now. I am trying to. It is hard for me to. It makes it even harder for me to know that when I do become close and let him help me and love me, that I know sooner or later I am going to "nail him back up". And believe me when I say I am not trying to be negative, I am just trying to be honest.

How am I supposed to let people close to me if I cant even trust the one who I worship and claim to love more than any being in this world?

This all relates to my first point of "finding your own happiness" because, I honestly cant seem to find mine. I don't think this is a bad thing right now. I am hoping I am just growing up and figuring out who I am and where I am on this amazing, but terrifying and uncomfortable thing we call life. I connect it with this....

I read a post by a dear friend of mine not to long ago, about walking with a positive mindset, or a mindset set on God if you will. A mindset where you may not know where the hell you are going, or why you are upset, but a mindset and a plan that you will keep going. You will keep fighting.....and never...ever....give up on searching. I like to think I have been searching for these past 2 months...not so much fighting or praying for guidance...but definitely searching for it.

And it almost upsets me to know that I finally found my cliche answer again. Damn......and as I am typing this it becomes even more clear.

Jesus. Why does it always have to be that "simple"? Well it is a simple answer, with many many ways of getting there, at least it is for me.

So. My plan? I honestly don't really know. I am going to try and pursue that relationship again. I remember what it feels like. It seems like that might solve my two problems right now....finding my happiness....and figuring out what the hell i am doing in life. The sad thing is I know I am only at the start, this event could possibly happen again.

Maybe next time I will be more prepared.

I saw something so simple it literally brought me to tears....sad to say it was in the movie "Evan Almighty".
In the movie Morgan Freeman (God) says to Evan's wife...."when people pray for patience...do you think God just gives it to them? No, he provides them with an opportunity to be patient..." It made me think, how simple it is....but how I always seem to turn it into either a complex situation...or how I expect God to baby me and just give me my patience...or whatever else I ask.

That was random....this may have been so convoluted you got nothing out of it. I'm sorry. I am going to start writing again though. So yeah.


-Christopher. A. Wilkerson.