So it has been quite sometime. There is a reason for this. Unfortunately, it is not a good reason.
The reason being that I created this blog for an outlet for myself and a way to put my thoughts down on paper for anyone to read and provide some sort of “advice” or whatever you would like to call it. Trash, you could call it trash as well. I will not be offended.
I have wanted to write about this topic for almost a year, but I have not had the guts. I was very open to think it and say it behind closed doors, but I wouldn’t openly admit it to others.
In the darkest times of our lives we learn who we really are. What we are really made of, how strong we are, and what we are willing to do for a sense of “happiness”.
If you are not religious, you will still search and look for something great to provide happiness, well most people will.
So there I was. I had stated what I had believed for my whole life, but I was basically on a cliff…If I fell to the left I was going to fall back on my faith and know that things would be ok. If I fell to the right I was going to be pretty disappointed in the “God” that I had spent my life believing in and trying to be a good person for so he would bless me (justification by faith, not by works…by the way).
So honestly, I stood there for about 8 months. I had been constantly creeping to the right side because I was asking questions that I never imagined I would ask myself. I was trying to find answers in something other than whatever I had believed before. I wanted relief and comfort in tangible things. I wanted my friends, or family to make it all better. I was clearly not getting anything from this God that loved me so much. I was basically trying to disprove what I believed because I felt like I was getting no where with this whole concept of faith and the ridiculous amount of waiting and understanding that everything will be alright in the end. I literally wanted and did several times, say that I was just frustrated and angered by the way that I was being treated. I could not accept that God could let me go through this without any sort of assistance or show me any light at the end of the tunnel.
I was fed freaking up with him and all of his wacky antics. “yeah…yeah…yeah…turn something good out of this bad situation….” I mocked his words several times. Let’s not fool ourselves, whenever we are suffering from whatever it is that has a hold on us and brings us down, we start to think negatively, we can even become engulfed by its mindset. We can loose sight of the good.
I will try not to drag this out any further….but basically I was on the edge of the right side staring down, ready to just be done with it all. Luckily through the persistence of someone who does not owe us anything, and who loves and provide us with grace more than we will ever know, somehow reached to me. It came to me in a book. The Shack. I don’t know how everyone feels about it, but I do not care. I feel like it saved my life.
This book is for those who are hurt and suffering. For those who are standing there saying to God, “you are doing nothing, so why did I even ever waste my time on you”. I cried many times just thinking of how negative I was towards my Savior. I told him I wanted his help no more, but it was impossible to get rid of him. He constantly made himself known to me. He brought me to a place that I have never known before. He has put actual life into me. Life that has never been there. I feel like now I am starting to understand that I will not ever be able to understand the full power and ability of God.
I leave you with something simple. Question things. I think that it was the best thing for me to ever do. I know that it was one of the scariest times of my life because of what my 2 options were, but I questioned all that I could. Don’t be a believer who just accepts whatever you hear. Search for happiness and look for it. Remember…you will never find what you are truly looking for unless that thing is God. He is actually quite easy to find. He is everywhere and will always make himself known. I hate to tell you that the only true happiness is in a relationship with God. Also, if you are searching for answers, don’t be surprised when you do not find all of them. Just make an attempt to be content with the mysterious part of God and who he is (yes I know it can be very frustrating). I would recommend the book. It has many good points.
I will write you again very soon and explain some of the details. I promise.
“Lord show me the way, let my words be your words, let my thoughts be your thoughts, I give you my praise, show me the way, take me in your arms, never let me go, I trust in you for life to live, air to breathe, purity fill my lungs, Lord show me the way as I give myself to you, never let me go, hold me with you everlasting love, be my strength, be my voice, my glory, set me free”
He can really do all of those things, but man does it take time and a lot of patience…
amen brother. love you.
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