That is all we do. Want...want...want...I still feel that way even though I openly admit it and know it.
I had the pleasure of enjoying a great evening this past Saturday with 2 good friends. We talked about life, love, relationships, sadness, overall questions of life that we often ask (I do very often).
It got me thinking...I have noticed myself listening to more music centered around trying to 'figure it out'. Most of them pertain to God and why are these specific things happening in my life. Why me? Why does it suck? Where is the good? You know basic, "me me me" stuff. We can never get enough of complaining. I know I can't. But anyways, this music has influenced a lot of my thinking. Thinking about life, about love, about relationships, sadness, happiness...you get it.
I have been able to pray honestly a lot more often. I don't understand why we get in this mindset we are not able to ask God questions. I mean I have not cursed Him, well yet, but I have definitely had thoughts come through my mind recently such as..."I do not see any reason for any of this". Of course we can all fill in the blank of the classic Sunday School answer of "Oh!!! Don't worry! God does everything for a purpose and it will bless you in the end!!!" Yeah, well listen crazy lady who probably judges all of those children....that may be correct (and yes I do believe that), but you try and tell that to someone who is truly hurting, and he/she should shove it right back at you.
"We're at our best when we're at our worst". I am taking the "worst" as lowest point when it comes to grief and sadness. I feel like that is true. Over these past few months I was at my worst. But during this time I have been able to grow up so much. I have been able to actually establish a relationship with someone who I will always love and trust, even when I don't understand it. I am not afraid to ask questions. I cannot think of a time when I have been told, that it is ok or acceptable to question God and his plan. Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying that he is doing anything wrong, I am saying I want to be able to be close with my Savior. For me to have an absolute close relationship with him, of course I will eventually learn to accept everything he has done for me in my life, but that doesnt mean I will just be overly happy about every time I get dominated emotionally or physically. Why would someone who just broke their back and say "Oh God, I am so excited I am in pain, I know this is for a reason!". That is not cool. I am honestly afraid to state I am a "christian" in public because of how we act. I think if I said this information in public, I would be in trouble.
I don't know who I am more worried for, a Christian who will accept everything as soon as they hear it or a nonbeliever who has an amazing heart and has shown more love than the religious. I think it is almost easier for me to trust nonbelievers rather than Christians. I feel like I can have a more spiritual conversation with them. (I know this is not true all of the time, but I have honestly met non-believers that have had greater hearts than tons of believers, and I know for a fact there are tons more out there).
I know this is kind of "scary" or random, I don't know. I just hate to think we are not allowed to be curious.
I hope no one thinks I have lost any faith or anything. That is completely the opposite. I have done nothing but increased my faith. Because I have learned to accept through time what I have gone through, and why it had to happen. It took 5 months for me to accept it. I fought with God for a while. After I got no where, and after realizing I was a little outmatched, I stepped down.
So I decided to do the only thing I knew what to do. I prayed and journaled. I said "I don't like this, I am upset with you right now, but I know you love me, please let me get through this and come out stronger". My prayers are and have come true. Thank you Father.
I love you. Please continue to provide....I know you will. (But I may ask you to hurry it up...cause I'm inpatient.)
-Christopher Adam Wilkerson.
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