Don't get me wrong. I mean I was excited to have my life planned out for the next 5, 10, 20 years. But...that kind of stuff changes. And besides, how can I act like I know or have a clue what is going to happen or where I will be?
Well I will tell you why and how...because I want safety....I want comfort. I do not want to have 'unexpected' events to happen. I want full control. Ahhhh....control....it is so nice. I have come to a beautiful yet frightening realization.
The moment I become comfortable and content....I am not happy. I think I am happy. I think that feeling safe is happiness. Let me tell you something. You can feel safe alllll you want. But to me that is not happiness. I mean sure I want to feel safe and comfortable with that person, but what else is there?
That is a question I have been constantly asking myself. I really have not grasped the full answer yet, but I am pretty sure it is a very large one. I think it could be like never ever 'settling' into the daily routines (I know it is impossible to avoid with somethings), but always trying on both ends. I am no where near marriage because I know I have to grow up a lot. I want to know in my heart that I am ready and will constantly seek a continuous relationship with my wife. I have lived too many dull moments, and I will live a ton more, but at least it makes me feel better typing this. I just want to be a man that never gives up, that never settles in anything for her or myself.
Having said all of that. I never would have realized it if it wasnt for an 'unexpected' event. Those events can open a lot of eyes and doors. It sure has allowed me to see who I really am and who I would love to strive to be. I would like to be the man my parents have raised me to be. I think I am finally on the right track. I look forward to where it takes me. I think, well actually I know, that it will take me somewhere and to someone absolutely amazing.
I know it sucks. But don't count on your life being mapped out. It is in a sense, but you have no idea what could or couldnt happen. I know it sucks not knowing the answers. I have obsessed over that long enough and it is a lot easier now that I do not worry about it.
Love can bring happiness & it can tear you down to nothing.
Learn from it. You will gain some happiness back.
Quick side note.
March 3, 2010 was my mother's 55th birthday. My mother has done nothing but amazing things in my life. She is the strongest woman I know and her heart has showed me what it is like to really love someone. Her birthday was on a wednesday and the weather exemplified who she was. It was beautiful. I could do nothing but smile when I was outside, because I could only think of her. Mom, I love you. There is nothing really more to say.
- Christopher Adam
awesome post, brother. love you. doing my best to keep you in my prayers. you're a strong dude. i got nothing but respect.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Adam Bear, for saying such sweet things...I hardly feel worthy of such praise. You know you have always been a happy, loving and sweet person to me, it's just your true nature. I know you've been experiencing some difficult 'life lessons' the past 6 mos. or so. But, you know, I can see that you are wise beyond your years. And that is obvious after reading all that has been on your mind. I admire you so much for opening up your heart and placing yourself in a vulnerable place during this process. I know God is pleased with you and that He is leading you to the place where He wants you to be. I love you, and I know you are gonna be ok. mommy :)
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