millions of self righteous christians....including myself.

This should be plain and simple. At least I hope so.

Recently I had an occurrence where I was given advice (I guess we will call it that) to better improve my life or to greater expand my relationship with God. I saw several problems with this "advice" and several ways that I could use it, to my advantage instead of the context I felt it was used it.

1. This person did not know me well.
2. This person does not know what my relationship with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit is like, whether it is on the fritz or if it is on cloud nine (I've always wanted to use that).
3. Whether or not it was given with absolute sincerity, which I highly doubt because of the situation....why would a christian, say to someone(me the other christian), "hey if you just do this and this and this...or let God heal you....things will be better".  I mean that just makes me want to further and further push myself away from the crowd. I honestly hope that no christian would ever tell a non-religious person that God will fix all of your problems or make you instantly happy. Listen brother...that is just not realistic. I mean of course He offers a insurmountable love that we cannot experience from anyone or anything else, but I don't believe He will wash away all of the troubles in life in a jiffy. It takes time. Prayer. Faith. If we just got everything we wanted instantly from God, the world would not only be chaos, but it is unrealistic. We would never appreciate what good things are still left in the world.

That was off topic...but....

I am here to tell you that when we stumble...it sucks....and sometimes when we stumble hard it takes a while to get back up. Things do not tend to get better overnight....or even after a few days. I mean sometimes it takes months. There is no easy way to get through a hard part of life. Hopefully when you finally see the light you can grab onto it and get the hell out of there.

I felt attacked by the statements that were passed along towards me. I felt like I was being told by someone 'superior' what to do. I felt like lesser of a christian because of the apparently easy answer and easy solution.

Now...after a couple of weeks I have had time to sit and ponder everything. Maybe the advice was given out of true sincerity. Whether or not it was I have taken this from it...

I felt it was approached the completely wrong way. I believe in loving people for who they are and making sure that is shown. I believe the true way to bring someone to Christ is to express the love that He gives to you and then present that to those who need it. I do not see the purpose of these comments that are asked and used everyday by millions of believers.

We are recruited to tell everyone go do this and do that. Tell someone that God will save them if they just stop sinning. (well yeah he will save you...he has already saved you...he will always love you no matter what) I think by loving someone you attract them towards this lifestyle that God really wanted us to live out. Not this publicly, "i am a christian, look at me, i do good things'', self-righteous, or arrogant prick lifestyle, which I have noticed more and more people are living. Hey I am not saying I am not an arrogant person. I am full of myself. I hate it and I know it is not any worse, but I could never come down on someone by telling them that their relationship with God is faulty or that they need to do this, that or the other to fix it.

Unless......goes back to point 1....unless they were a dear friend of mine and I knew that he or she was struggling and I knew their story. I believe we are called to be there for people and for our friends. I do not appreciate the advice coming from someone who has no idea who I am or what I am about. I know I am bitter because of the situation...but come on...don't ever give someone advice where you don't know the full situation, story, or all of the details, just to boost your own ego or to make yourself feel good.

"Yeah God, I totally gave that guy some advice that he really needed today. He was lost and now he knows what to do!" I just imagine us doing this over and over. Read this.

Romans 3 : 10,20 “There is no one righteous, not even one...For no one is declared righteous before him by the works of the law, for through the law comes the knowledge of sin"

Don't be a self righteous person. Don't do it for your own self worth.

Say this instead..."God I totally loved that guy today. He really needed it. He is still lost, but he knows that I love him no matter what he has done or does. Help me to continually provide your love to him."

Advantages of this conversation...

1. Keep my friends (I actually know them and their stories) accountable and don't be afraid to help them out
2. Don't act like I know what anyone else is going through because I have no idea
3. Don't offer a quick fix, there isn't one. Give love. Offer advice if they truly want it.

-Christopher Adam

June 22nd 2010 - time to grow up

Today started off as a normal day. As it comes to and end...I have realized something. I need to grow up. Wow...big shocker eh? Well I know I have grown up a lot lately, but I have realized that I still need to.

I am tired of being angry and bitter. It has worn me down and I realized today that it will never give me satisfaction like I thought it would. I have been asking and asking for an opportunity and when I was finally given one...I failed. Thank Jesus my good side was able to control me.

There is one simple message to this. If you claim that you love people no matter what, then flipping prove it. Don't be a hypocrite. I am one. I don't like it. I have to work on that. I have to work on a lot of things. But hey I am at least admitting and trying to work on it. I am only 22 and I am wanting to grow up already. Isn't something backwards about that? Well I think that is what I am being called to do. I need to be a man. I think being a man has a lot of perks.

Apparently some girls like "men". I am not really a manly man, but I will do what I can. Anyways, this is rambles and shambles...whatever that means. Today was just a good day.

I call it Bike Ride Revelations, with Christopher Adam Wilkerson. Join me almost everyday around 6ish - 8ish. I like to ride my bike and think happy thoughts, listen to music, witness people that are enjoying the beauty in this world, and if your lucky, you might come across someone who will remind you what you're all about.

Love. "Be a man" I said to myself. Don't be a child. My childish years are over I 'm afraid. God. Help me to be a man please. Thank you for this revelation and thank you for my bike.

-Christopher A. Wilkerson

Sleep it off.

Hey. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Become real. I want to be Joel Barish. And. Goodnight.

an american dream gone wrong.

Don't exactly know where this will go like always but....here we go.

Two rivers park, late at night, pitch black, stars were beautiful, lightning bugs were even more amazing.
Complete with two great friends and amazing conversations. 23, 22 and 22 years of age. Admitting that growing up sucks. Admitting that we have no really big clue as to what is going on. Well maybe that one is just me, but I am speaking for them as well.

We mostly talk of relationships and how we are just dumbfounded by them. That may be only me still, but again I am speaking for them too. Anyways, I just really appreciate that I have friends like this. We did not plan on discussing these things. We did not plan on feeling better after 'talking'. We just wanted to get out of the house and do something, so we decided to walk around and ended up talking on a bench near the arkansas river for an hour or so.

It was something that just hit me really the next day or so. I don't know what I would do without my friends. They build me up and I hope to do the same for them.

So there we are talking about girls and just how we were curious to what the next years were to bring. Where would our group be? Would we be even more dispersed? How often would we see each other? It is scary to think about, but sooner or later it will happen. We will all grow up in some shape or form and will be invested in other things, such as work.....or....family. I still want to try. I have to try. I never want to lose the bond I have with them. I do not care the slightest bit how 'gay' that sounds. I love them to death and love them more than any girl. I will choose my dudes before the chicks, they don't dominate your life....that is another topic.

But back to the bench....Brad brought up a good point about religion. I had to think on it for a little bit and I never really even responded, but I was trying to be careful of what I said.

"Religion does not make things better or anything go away or make life better"
I think that is around what was said.

I have to agree. Religion is such a scary word these days. So is Christianity. 9 times out of 10 I am worried to admit what I believe because I will be shuffled into a group of judgmental people that I do not want to be like.

So I agree because religion does not cure anything. I think I can honestly say that love and faith in God/Jesus does cure, but I can also say that it is one of the hardest things to do all of the time, for me at least. You are lucky if you are able to do that all of the time...or you are probably lying to yourself and everyone else. I just kept coming back to the phrase Brad said. I mean it really doesn't cure or fix anything. There are no magic fixes in life or get out of jail free cards. There are struggles and hardships. But there is Jesus. I know if you don't believe in Jesus then what I am saying is pointless, but think of it this way. I am not saying that religion is pointless, no...no...no.

It takes patience. It takes time. It takes learning. Praying. Growing. And a lot of love. I like believing and having faith in something (even if it is very hard right now for me). I want to believe that things happen for a reason and that there is someone greater out there that loves me for all of my imperfections. That gives me comfort and makes me strive to be a better person. I know that may be a "sorry" answer for some people. I am sure as I grow up it will mature into a better one, but for now I am trying to be a better human being. I have definitely stopped waiting for the "quick fix" because I have been waiting for several months and I got nothing. I have not given any effort for a fix though and that is the truth.

I wish people did not think that God blesses those who only do good deeds or pray all of the time. He blesses everyone and does not show favoritism. Its in the bible. Read it. Romans I believe. I came to my own conclusion about this scenario that maybe when we do pray and ask for the guidance or blessings, He makes it more apparent to us and we can see things more clearly within the situation. If we just sit around waiting for a magical explanation or answer then what is the point of having faith and believing that he will always provide? I don't know it may be a silly conclusion. But hey to each his own.

That was a little extra tid bit of information. Ok where were we? I honestly don't know and I do not feel like reading the previous text, so I think I was around here...

I have to pull some lyrics from a song in order to make this title make sense.
"this is no longer the american dream, we’ve cut the tongue from society, forcing consumption, never hearing “no.” we’ve brainwashed our children to believe this is destiny."

When I hear this I think to myself that I wish I could go back to 15 years of age when things were easy and I did not think about all of this.

I recently saw my niece become baptized. My brother baptized her and I almost cried seeing it happen because 1. It made me super happy to see. 2. I know she was doing it for the right reasons. 3. I am sensitive.


But I had to think about how when I was young...I had no idea....no idea how things could change in an instant. How everything you were used could do a 180. What sucks is that you have to almost always experience this for yourself to understand it, but I wonder if we prepare our children for the real world like we should. When I was 15 I would have disagreed with "religion does not cure anything". I would have been upset with whoever said that. That may be a learning through experience thing that we all have to go through. I don't know. I do know I am rambling so I will cut it off.


If there is a point in all of this. It is that religion cannot create happiness. 1 million dollars can buy you some things but not true happiness. Jesus can provide happiness, but don't expect it to be a quick fix. Why can't it though? Man....I have been asking that myself for a while now. Also, try to think back when you were younger and how 'safe' or how 'naive' you were. Maybe you still are. How do you feel now? Grown up? Good luck to you. I wish you all the very best.


I love you Brad and Joe.


"My Blood is tainted with bitterness.
I want it out, I want it out of me.
Oh, the taste of my inheritance.
How I have fallen, the hills will cover me.
You too will become weak."

-Christopher Adam

Let's get real....real honest.

Ok. This will be short. I woke up earlier today...not at 12:04pm...I promise. I just felt good. I decided...."you know what...I am tired of this "dark" mindset that I have been having. I think I have been almost forcing myself in it, for reasons I do not know...at all.

So here is my plan...because I stated earlier this month...I needed some sort of plan of action. I don't think it has to be some "amazing five step plan"...I just think/know now I need something. I need a better routine in life.

I know I am still only 22 years old and I still plan on having plenty of fun....but....I mean it is time to start growing up...I hate to say it. I want to make an excuse for the dumb things I do and say "oh i am just young and immature". I mean I could say that now but I would be going against how I feel inside. I will also admit, I will probably do a few stupid things before I die...I am just taking a guess, but I think you get the picture mostly.

I have not had alcohol in over 2 weeks. Not that I drink a ton or anything, but I did go through a period were I was drinking more than I felt I should. I am not trying to excuse myself, but I mean...I still didn't drink like most college kids. I am no better, just had to throw that out there in case my mom reads this.

So back to my plan and my darkness...

I have been constantly searching and questioning things. Not really in a bad way...just a "I am curious about this, why did this happen". I think were I have been going wrong was that I have not actually been 'searching' I have been telling myself that. I have not actually sat down and prayed or written about it. I suck right? Yes.
I want to stop thinking 'dark' thoughts.

My plan? It's the annoying/simple/cliche answer. I need to pray.

For the longest time and even now I have a really hard time with prayer. I just want to see the benefits immediately. I don't have patience. So I will learn to have it. I will learn and grow up. I have to do this. I want to know what life and love really is about. I don't think I have ever experienced it fully for or for an extended period of time. I want to love someone else like Jesus loves me. That will be a big challenge but I know that I have never really loved and appreciated like I can or should. I also know I can do it.

See? I already feel better by writing this down and by knowing what I will do. I hope I can stick to it. I want to grow and learn what life is all about.

I started reading the book "The Shack". I have only read a few pages...but I have a feeling this will be a part of my routine. Good luck to you all. I hope you are finding what you are all looking for.

Don't be satisfied with what you are in, unless you are constantly being challenged and learning something. Complacency is the devil. I have been hanging with the devil for quite sometime.

-Christopher Adam Wilkerson-

"It's hard to be the better man
When you forget you're trying
It's hard to be the better man
When you're still lying"

yes.

The night's hard to get through, with nobody in your bed....right?

I think everyone should at least just listen to this song. To me it means a lot. It also says a lot about how I feel right now. I am searching. Attempting to fight. I am tired.

myspace.com/brandnew

"Jesus / Jesus Christ"


Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
'cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you're coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Find your own happiness, I can't seem to find mine.

So. It has been quite a while since I actually got the guts to write to this thing again. I don't know why it has taken me so long to write....well I do...I'd be lying to myself if I said that.

Well I have come to a conclusion. I don't know if it is right. If it is even a good one. I just feel like it came to me over the almost 2 months of not writing.....

i am responsible for my own happiness right now.

I kept on looking to my friends to bring something to the table. I kept looking for them to fulfill my meter of this imaginary satisfaction I have created. I was looking to my family to give me all of the love I needed. I was expecting them to make me feel 100 percent better all of the time. Where my friends and family have done so much to give me happiness and love....its not the same, or at least it is not what I am trying to say.

I don't even know exactly what I am trying to say. I mean I would hate to throw out the cliche answer and say that you will only find all of your happiness and love in your relationship with God. Where that may be, and probably is true....I am having the hardest time following through with that.

I have been constantly meeting new people, seeing friends graduate, seeing friends progress in life, move away, get a job, the same old routine that happens as we age....but I have to wonder...are they even happy?

I have always considered myself to be happy and have a lot going for me (which i do...trust me, i have no doubt how blessed I am and how fortunate i am. thank you Jesus for that) but lately I have figured that I am going to have to do something myself if i want this uplifting feeling in my life now. I felt like when I was younger, happiness was never an issue, it was just playing with friends...doing nothing...now it is work to me.

Is this even making sense to you? It is not at all to me. let me be blunt....this brand new song is how i feel a lot recently...

"I know you'll come in the night like a thief, but I've had some time Oh, Lord, to hone my lying technique, I know you think I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared, I'll get scared, and I swear I'll try and nail you back up."

I am not trusting God right now. I am trying to. It is hard for me to. It makes it even harder for me to know that when I do become close and let him help me and love me, that I know sooner or later I am going to "nail him back up". And believe me when I say I am not trying to be negative, I am just trying to be honest.

How am I supposed to let people close to me if I cant even trust the one who I worship and claim to love more than any being in this world?

This all relates to my first point of "finding your own happiness" because, I honestly cant seem to find mine. I don't think this is a bad thing right now. I am hoping I am just growing up and figuring out who I am and where I am on this amazing, but terrifying and uncomfortable thing we call life. I connect it with this....

I read a post by a dear friend of mine not to long ago, about walking with a positive mindset, or a mindset set on God if you will. A mindset where you may not know where the hell you are going, or why you are upset, but a mindset and a plan that you will keep going. You will keep fighting.....and never...ever....give up on searching. I like to think I have been searching for these past 2 months...not so much fighting or praying for guidance...but definitely searching for it.

And it almost upsets me to know that I finally found my cliche answer again. Damn......and as I am typing this it becomes even more clear.

Jesus. Why does it always have to be that "simple"? Well it is a simple answer, with many many ways of getting there, at least it is for me.

So. My plan? I honestly don't really know. I am going to try and pursue that relationship again. I remember what it feels like. It seems like that might solve my two problems right now....finding my happiness....and figuring out what the hell i am doing in life. The sad thing is I know I am only at the start, this event could possibly happen again.

Maybe next time I will be more prepared.

I saw something so simple it literally brought me to tears....sad to say it was in the movie "Evan Almighty".
In the movie Morgan Freeman (God) says to Evan's wife...."when people pray for patience...do you think God just gives it to them? No, he provides them with an opportunity to be patient..." It made me think, how simple it is....but how I always seem to turn it into either a complex situation...or how I expect God to baby me and just give me my patience...or whatever else I ask.

That was random....this may have been so convoluted you got nothing out of it. I'm sorry. I am going to start writing again though. So yeah.


-Christopher. A. Wilkerson.