what i really meant was...

Father forgive me for I have mos definitely sinned.

I slightly regret the post before this one. I lost sight of where I was going and let my angry view of people take over. I have waited a while to post to see if I could even bring the focus back to where I was originally going. I don't I remember it, but after reading what I put I have a good thing to say. Well a couple of good things to say. 

1st. My apology.

I did want to be brutally honest about how I feel about churches today but I think there is a major difference between honesty and angry honesty (if that works). I do not know why I have always had this negative attitude towards larger churches. I have never even been a member of one. I have only gone once in a blue moon with people but every time I go I cannot look past all of the materialistic things. I will stop right here before I start it up again. Let us all be honest really fast.

Church is a business...and business is freaking booming. BUT....

These corporations do service a lot of good into our communities. They raise money, spend it on others(sometimes), they hire a staff to work and make money who may not have had a job...there is a huge list of the good and the bad...

I am sorry for assuming that everyone who attends a larger church is not gaining something out of it. I do not know them or how they feel inside. I know that some people go to a larger church for status and others because they genuinely enjoy it. Who am I to condemn them for not seeing or viewing things how I see them? So there is my apology. Every church is great and terrible. 

2 more things.

I do hate it when someone uses a sports analogy to analyze their relationship with God. Or even better...some analogy about exercising and God. So I am going to go above and beyond those people and use music (cause that is my sports, exercise, and all other dumb analogies). 

"Look Closer"

I have posted some of these lyrics before. I will just take a couple out because they always make me think.

"Cause we are all born into a control mindset,

God/money makes a death threat on ethics,

Governed by greed and a stale routine.

Can we just justify the means if we're plugged in?

We all need to wake up cause we've been detached for too long.

We need to deprogram from shifting with the public eye.

We have a right to question why, re-sensitize and look closer." 

Just pretty much sums up "Christian culture". You are born into this mindset that sets you apart from non-believers (of course this is not everyone). Greed and stale routine...we have all experienced. Detached for too long from the basic principle. The easiest thing to understand out of the Bible. Jesus. And yes we do have a right to question why. 

"Get schooled, get married, get it on. Start a family. Hurry. Move along.

They want to benign complacency. This is where we start to look closer."

Yep. Just...yep.

The last thing I want to tell you I have forgotten for a while. That is the simple concept of "God is everywhere...and he will use anyone and anything to present himself. Sure "christians" represent "followers of Christ". But God will and does use everyone whether they know it or even want it or not. I have had more meaningful relationships with nonbelievers and it felt right. I know God has used me for them, but I feel like he has used them for me more. 

And no matter how I feel about a person or a church, he uses them for good as well.

Random side note. My friends are amazing. I would never pick and choose over them. I feel like we were all connected for some reason. Good times.

Love you.

-CAW

You need to get closer with God or you must repent son!

Been about a month. I guess it is time for me to write some nonsense. Also to anyone who actually does read this...I literally do not have any solid answers. I mean if you can tell...I am just a kid who is rambling trying to figure it out. If I have offended or do offend you in anyway, just click the small X at the top right corner or the left corner(for mac users only). I am only hoping to enlighten and I have no intentions on upsetting or offending. I am literally stumbling around in the darkness trying to grab onto some light when I see it.


I mean that sentence "you need to become closer to God, that is the problem!" It makes me think of the hundreds of times I have heard it directed towards people I know or just others who it should not be directed towards. I mean while we are at it....

"you need to go to church"
"you need to stop sinning"
"you need to read your bible more"
"you better come to this retreat or meeting and we will fix you"
"please give me your money because by partaking in our extensive 10 week program we can get your life back on track"

ok....ummm...pass. Yes, Pat I would love to solve the puzzle....Alex, what is......Mr. Barker the price is.....

Christianity, what is "legalism" and the price is millions of dollars....I win! Where is my prize?

I find two enormous problems with the title of this post...the word need and closer.

I have heard this statement and I have said it to myself multiple times in my life. I don't understand how keeping a consistent track record at church can improve you in the kingdom of heaven. I mean have you been to church lately? It is slim freaking pickens out there. I feel like I can't swear around these christians or make a inappropriate joke. "stop sinning?" oh ok yeah cause that is really easy....maybe I will just read the bible more....listen I am a terrible bible reader...I mean I love paul's writing, but lets just be thankful he is a forgiving God, cause those dudes back then definitely needed some hooks in their writing cause it is dry at some parts.

I know I am making jokes and being very sarcastic but I am being trying to be honest. Here is a bold statement...I don't need to do anything to in order for God or Jesus to love me more or even less. I cannot change that about him. That is what is amazing...So should we even go to church or read bibles or this and that? Well of course....I am not saying that at all. I love meeting with a small number of people and sharing stories and discussing God and the bible. To me that is church...and it does not need to be in a "church". I am pretty sure it is more effective if it is not in a "churchy" setting. Cause let's be honest....if you are sitting in a big church...you are trying to get out of there as soon as possible in order to be the first in line at the coffee shop (in the church). Hey man you like your coffee! No big deal. Have it your way, its the burger king slogan.

But seriously...need? Ok so I neeeeeeed to do this in order for God to accept me? Why would we ever put that pressure on someone? That is clearly the opposite of what Jesus represents. We should be rejoicing and celebrating our lives that we have been given. Even through all of the shit that everyone goes through....yes...you...if you think that you have not had any shit come your way...just wait cause it is coming....I am not excited about mine either....and to those of you who wonder when your "shit" will stop....(that is not meant the way it sounds)...it will stop. I don't know when but I promise you that it will one day and hopefully if you are lucky God will present himself to you. I mean he always presents himself, but he definitely makes it easier sometimes.

Imagine life if there was no evil...no death...no sin...and it was not hard to engage in a relationship with God or Jesus. We all actually constantly devoted our lives to learning about the father. Oh how that life would be easier...but that is not the world we live in. We live in a world where it is easier for me to listen to Satan most of the times rather than God. Satan's way just always sounds better!!! It sounds more fun!

I just want grow closer to God....oh wait...what? What does that even mean? Grow closer to God? I am sure that someone has put a definition on it...but damn. So now I have to grow closer to him? How is that possible? What does it even mean to grow closer to God? I thought we shared a relationship? We have a relationship so how would it not grow deeper instead of closer? I like the word deeper and I think it applies to this instead of growing closer. You always hear people say to get closer to God...but how am I supposed to find out more information about him because every time I find out something new I run into more questions and brick walls.

Exactly. Deeper...is the way. Grow deeper by searching and learning...asking questions. He will probably ease your mind with a few of them...but you may be stuck with the others until you die. I am sorry to break it down like that but its the trooooth! I mean even if the questions were answered...don't you think there would be more questions? It is a never ending cycle. Trying to box up the unboxable. God is so mysterious that you barely know anything...yet you have to invest in a relationship where he knows everything about you and what you have done and will do. All we have on him is a tiny tiny sand particle.

You and God are already as close as you will be...because he is so close to you it is impossible for him to be any closer. I mean like seriously...he is in my room right now and I kind of wish he would give me some peace and quiet. "Hey-zeus, back up off me" is what I just said out loud. We cannot grow closer...but we can get deeper!

Something that is random but I read about it last night was about not giving up on searching and learning....

I just started reading Velvet Elvis and Rob says that it is good to question and good to search. Well that makes me feel better...cause I have been searching and questioning for about a year now...I def have some of my answers (which sprouted new questions) but I have learned that God and I have deepened our relationship. It is a slow process...really slow.

One thing that encouraged me about 4 or so months ago was from a woman who is in her late 70's. She is quite possibly one of the wisest and loving person I have met. I said something one time along the lines of searching for God and questioning him and his shenanigans.

She responded something like so..."Adam I am nearly 80 years old and I have not stopped learning new things about our glorious God. He has never stopped revealing himself to me in anything and everything. And son, he wont stop."

That gave me hope and comfort...as well as fear. I was glad to hear that he doesn't give up on people but I was frightened to hear that she was just as lost as I was, but ahead in the game than me.

I don't know how I feel about this post since I literally just wanted to write again so I kept going and tried to see what my mind would type. It typed this. So I sincerely hope that whoever reads it gets something out of it.

Oh and to all of those "christians" who spread the news and bring people to christ and stuff...hey great job, but make sure that numbers are not your priority....relationships are your priority.

Bring joy to those around you and that is God's work right there.

Just remember....you don't need to do what these people are telling you. They will take your money.

Here is a sweet quote from C.S. Lewis and it is the most truth I have heard in a while.

"If you're thinking of becoming a Christian, I warn you, you're embarking on something which will take the whole of you" 


"Wait on the Lord and keep His way and He shall exalt you" Psalm 37:34.


-Christohperson Wilkerson

"hey honey...can you go get the paper?" "yeah sure babe! (i really hate you)" part 2

I can picture the scenario above and hundreds of other scenarios in my head that play out over and over in a standard marriage. And yes this is part 2 of my previous post....I realized after I read it last night that it did not really have a closing chapter. I mean I am going to wind up saying the same thing I always say because I just had an enormous experience with it (that's what she said)....and I really learned something from it.

Also....you ever run into those people who act like they know everything about one area of life because they went through it and had a really hard time? Then after they come through it and learn a lot they try to preach it out to everyone? (Oh hello! That is me!) But the good thing is...this is my blog...and if you read this...."you will listen to every damn word I have to say". (Adam Sandler, The Wedding Singer, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s5xsVHOJQs if you care to watch - at 23 seconds). You will find that I will be putting a joke or two every now and then in these posts...because I am in a good mood now. So I thought I should spread it!

Ok I am going to try and cover 2 things quickly and make them clear. I doubt it will happen. Also as stated everything I always post are just my opinions and views...if you disagree with them...that is fine. I may be crazy, but you can leave this site and never return. Just kidding. But seriously please do not ever visit this site again.

Let's hit this touchy subject first....an American Marriage....now this is going to be very stereotypical....but just try to see what I am saying.

Guy and girl date...couple of years...maybe not even couple of years.Guy proposes...girl of course says yes. They plan wedding...get married....get a house...both work....attend church (most likely a big one)....meet friends at work and church. They live their life. Now that doesn't sound like a bad idea right? I mean hey I am alone....I would like to lay down next to someone at night. Well I have figured out that there is a differencing between experiencing life....rather than living it.


Now I have seen this movie several times but last night I watched it again with my dad (Papa Jeff...bad-ass). The movie Yes Man. Jim Carrey says no over and over....he is really not even experiencing life...but towards the end he understands what it means to actually live life!


Now back to the stereotypical marriage...are they really living life? Or are they just two people following the formula that either their parents followed or that our culture has created for you? Now let's talk about how the church has influenced this relationship....a bond that no one really understand unless they understand what a relationship with God is like....and I am pretty sure that you cannot fully understand that either....so why the hell are we always trying to find a perfect definition on something that should be between God and us (man and wife)?


I have heard many church leaders say this, that, and the other about marriage....have God at the center, be sure to commune with your fellow married friends....be sure to do this....go do that...and don't forget to do this...


That formula will = an absolute destruction...for me at least...What does it even mean to have God at the center? I have said that before and I had no idea what it really meant. How can God be at the center when he is/has/will always already be there? He doesn't go away from time to time. That is what is such a blessing. You cannot get rid of him (that is hard to accept). God is at the center of everyone. Whether they choose at acknowledge him or not...that is their choice. So why don't you acknowledge your God...ask him how to better yourself for your spouse....all of that jazzy stuff....

It is not bad to commune with your friends...but please do not let someone give you a To-Do list and you begin to check it off. Now obviously you are not going make a tangible list...but you will in your head...and the minute that you miss out on something...guilt will set it. Do not set yourself up for failure!!! Dude, go hang out with your friends...share experiences...stories...laugh....maybe drink a little wine (appletini for me)...just relax and enjoy their company....Jesus is there. God is there. He is their rejoicing with you. He has always been there and he knows your stories...but he would love to hear them over and over because he loves us.

I think that the standard American marriage does not live like this often....I think they become absorbed into the 'procedure' or begin to do what a high spiritual leader tells them they should be doing....

After they obviously fail by searching for God (happiness) in routines and forced conversations.....the sadness sets in...that turns to anger...anger turns to hate.....and hate turns to suffering.....(Yoda, The Phantom Menace). But seriously....the man or woman begin to throw their anger at each other or God because they have been floating through life and following these rules or guidelines and cannot match up to them. (To those couples that are still together by following all of that stuff....wow...mad props...and if they are actually happy....then they are lying to themselves...or maybe they are demons)

I said it in my previous post. We do not know exactly what a marriage looks like....we can read and read from what God try to tell us....but Christians tend to translate things a little on the crazy sides sometimes. Why not just think....use your brain and heart. God will help you make the decisions.

My other topic which ties into this as well is Love and Safety. (sorry this is long)

Love Vs. Safety.....this is what I really wanted to say in my first post but I just didn't.

I have found a fine line between actual love....and then a sense of feeling safe.....I lived in the first one for a while.....then I lived in the second one. It is basically the same as "experiencing life vs actually living life".

Love your spouse...love them because you actually love them....not because it has been 3 years and they really helped you out during that rough patch of life. Love them because you see what his/her heart really looks like. Love them because you want to not because you have to...Time should not be an issue....that will end up in a terrible spiral that could end in murder. Do not seek comfort in safety....(here is my repetitive message)....do not settle on someone because it is your high school sweet heart and they know everything about you and its just too much work to invest in someone else....that my friend...is experiencing life...and settling in life...in safety.

It is just not fun to me. If it works for some...hey good luck. Don't end up only finding happiness in your kids...I did not want to say it...but I had too.

My friend Brad posted an interesting/terrible comment on the first part of this topic...and he is right...well about the first part...we are given time to find out who we are as people...we should take it! We should grow up and learn how we can be that "perfect" husband or wife! Do not rush your life! Just relax and realize that something is cooking up....if you rush your life...you might just miss it!

Well that is pretty much it...I will post again soon about some touchy stuff!

-Christopher A-to the dam

Oh, please do not get married just so you can have sex...you Christians will do it without realizing it...trust me I was almost there. That is the most absurd thing ever....crazy kids these days...

I now pronounce you husband and wife....(umm....crap...)

I know I said I would post this 'tomorrow' like two weeks ago....but I just kept going back and forth on what to say and decided against what I was originally going to post. Also I got a little busy.

So I promised I would describe my journey. And I sincerely hope I do not offend anyone with this post. I will most likely make some snide remarks about marriage and all that jazz. (not that i don't support it...just read it to understand my nonsense) And these are just my opinions and views on marriage. They could be absolute crap for all I know.

Well....

So there we were...getting close to the "do we get married.....or what" talk. I of course outwardly expressed yes and feelings of happiness. But honestly on the inside I just could not fathom the idea of being married yet. I was 20 years old and was trying to figure out if I wanted to be with this person forever. That is a big question! I mean to me it is. It scares me when people (guys and girls) are so quick to make that decision in their head. Did they even really think about it??? I don't think it is wrong for me to say that I thought about it a lot. It wasn't that I was unsatisfied with this person. I just constantly had something in the back of my mind that said "no...you are not ready".

It was a constant battle back and forth. I always had a feeling that I was not ready. Now I have a better understanding of why...and what marriage is about (well...kind of).

I was so young....I am still so young. I have so many things that I am still learning (yeah you can still learn them being married). But I want to have an idea of who I really want to be with. I want to know more about myself. I want all of those other cliche things about a woman too...(like from the notebook...all that kinda stuff...) Just kidding, but seriously.

Here is a big reason or the reason that I realized it could not have worked out. And this does not apply to everyone...I know some great couples that I think are truly in love and are genuinely happy (they still fight, which i think is a good sign). I had put so much time and effort into the relationship...that I was just going to see it through. We dated in high school and throughout college. It was time to take the next step (according to all of these young couples who take the plunge). I think I would have been somewhat happy if it would have gone that way...but this person and I were not on the same wavelengths. I thought that was how it went....you are together for so long...now its time to get married. If that works for you, then hey, don't listen to me...I am not even married...so honestly I have no idea what the hell I am talking about.

I just didn't/don't want to wake up 25 years down the line and realize that I am not happy. I don't want to have that thought in my head of...."why did I even get married to this person?". I guess there is no way of really knowing that...huh? I mean you could marry the perfect person and still be unhappy with them.

"Want to see a woman stop shaving her legs, and guy get a beer belly.....get em married" (Friends, Season 8).

Now do not get me wrong. I cared for this person very deeply. I would have done anything for her....(all the cliche things that a guy would do for a girl). But I had that voice that kept bugging me. I am thankful that she ended the relationship, because I started to side with the mindset of "well...I guess I am in it for the long haul". And brother, that is not cool....

In my original post I was going to say what I thought a marriage should look like...but I honestly don't know. I think everyone is different....I also know that I absolutely hate it when a marriage tries to conform into what a church tells them to do. I think they are just setting themselves up to fail and will be disappointed in the end...God knows what a marriage should be like. Why don't you just ask him...? I guess I will start so I can hopefully have some sort of an idea.

I bet it has a lot to do with growing up!

I apologize that this really made no sense. I mean like no sense...I am trying to help myself get through everything by writing it all down. If you got something....I am glad.

I do know that when I propose to a girl....there will be no greater proposal. I have a couple random cool ones in my mind, but it really depends on the person and what she likes. I just want to walk away from it knowing that I could not have done a better job. I also would like for her to tell the story to others and if there are any guys around they think to themselves..."well....damn....what am I supposed to do now...? this guy dominated my idea..."

-Adam

There is a difference between safety and happiness. The former...easier...but the latter...much more fulfilling.

Relationships everywhere...what to do...don't ask me.

Ok...I cannot believe I am going to even attempt to write about what was just on my mind, but I will try. Oh and this post will most likely be very long. I apologize. Fortunately for you, you may exit anytime!

First I have to immediately side track...

My previous post may have been fuzzy, but I will try to clear it up by explaining how I got there in several discussions or posts. I also thought that these lyrics went right along with what I was talking about when it comes to question things and be cautious of everything you hear.

"Cause we are all born in to a controlled mindset.
God, money makes a death threat on ethics.
Governed by greed and a stale routine.
Can we just justify the means if we're...

Plugged in, tuned out?
We all need to wake up 'cause we've been
Detached for too long.
We need to deprogram from
Shifting with the public eye.
We have a right to question why.
See through the lies,
Re-sensitize, and look closer."

I will divulge into that topic more at a later time!

Ok. So relationships...hmmm...I was just sitting in my garage playing guitar and smoking a cigar (which is very unlike me, for those of you who know me well, but I felt like being a grown up I guess). Anyways, something just kept coming to mind and it was relationships. I have been trying for about a year to dissect my brain and thoughts on life, God, love, purpose...you know all that stuff. I think relationships falls under all of those categories and can definitely alter them drastically, positive or negative.

Since I want to share my experience, I will do my best to start with my relationship. This will be the first time I have written about it so specifically, but I think it will be beneficial, so here we go...

My previous relationship lasted for quite sometime. It was on and off for close to four years (on for the majority). It started when we were both just 17 years old, which scares me because here pretty soon I will be 23 (don't want to grow up fully). When the relationship started in high school, I think we both felt that it was fun and great to be hanging out with each other a lot. High school ended and we ending up going to the same college. The relationship progressed through the years, a break up here and there, but we found each other again and again. We were constantly getting closer and closer, discussing the future possibilities of life and the relationship. I became quite scared because of the word "marriage" and began to withdraw myself (I will get to that later).

Eventually, things became redundant. Now the blame can be taken or dished 3 ways I found.

1. I could take all of the blame for the problems, faults, fights, redundancy...blah blah
2. She could take all of the blame for the above things...
3. I could admit that we were both just two kids/young adults learning how to grow up and better ourselves as people. We both have our faults, no one should be given the total blame, and we should learn from the experience as much as possible.

Now...I went through number 1 for a couple of months. Did the whole "please someone take pity on me bit". Yeah I can't eat or sleep...I am really sad...all that stuff. (Please don't pity me now, I acted like I didn't want it then when I really did, but now I am fine). So number one started to get old because of its terrible side affects.

I then of course proceeded to number 2. Now that made me feel good for about a week, but I continually stayed in that mindset for a couple of months. I let anger take control...and that was not good. I spent most of my spring/summer angry because of my sadness. I did not want to be sad anymore so I turned to the next emotion I could. I was irrational and negative about everything. I began to fuel an attitude towards the person that was very unlike my character. Luckily after a while I realized how immature this place was and I finally decided to move on.

Number 3. Ah.....it is such a better place to be. I am a confused kid who is looking for answers wherever I think the answers are and she most likely is too. I accept that I had much to do with the faults in the relationship, but I agree that she had faults as well. We are not perfect! I know that at times we tend to take the whole blame to make ourselves feel better (at least we think it will make us feel better), but we should focus on the road that lies ahead. (Learned that from a friend, thanks Mama D if you are reading). The future. Grow up and learn from those mistakes.

So that is where I am now. Now let me tell you just a couple of things I have learned about relationships...the good, bad, and down right dirty...(I am no expert...trust me).

I feel what killed me was the complacency of the relationship. I searched for a definition just to see what came up and I like this one the best, complacent - "Uncritically satisfied with oneself or one's achievements; smug; Apathetic with regard to an apparent need or problem". This right here...kills relationships everyday. It slowly creeps up and sets in. After a while its like "what is the point". I became content where I was because I just did not want to try anymore. It became to much effort. I was satisfied with where I was. (Guys...girls dun like that) That mindset was just the beginning of my downward spiral.

So a solution to this? Honestly, I have no magic answers. I think it takes a very special bond between to people to never fall in to the mundane routines of relationships or marriage. (I don't mean that routines are bad, I just mean that effort must be given in order to keep it spicy if you will). I am not married so I could be speaking completely out of line. But in my experience, I know that effort was at an all time low.

Communication - Yeah...for guys that apparently is a problem. All I know is that women speak a different language. They say one thing and mean something completely different. They ask you if you will do something, giving you an option, but really there is only one option. I think this just takes time to learn from.

Sacrifices - Wow...this one can literally make or break you as the "best boyfriend/husband ever" or the "worst boyfriend/husband ever". Dude, the bachelor/ette might possibly be one of the dumbest shows ever made, but you know what, if she loves it...you need to support her. I have learned that communication and sacrifices go hand in hand. If you can pick up on hints and surprise her by showing interest in her life and its entirety you are not only scoring amazing points, but you are doing something good. I don't mean lie to her. Of course she knows that you don't care who got the rose or who didn't, but show that you are willing to be there for her even in the hardest of times (yes, watching one of those shows is one of the hardest times for me). The chances are that she will gladly recognize your dedication and continually put up with you (because lets be honest, she is probably way out of your league).

Ok...I rambled a lot...but notice how I did not mention anything about God. I do not care what you believe in, but relationships across the realm have the same principles for the most part.

So how did I start my "dark path", as I like to call it...well I not only became complacent in my relationship with a girl, but I did with God too. I attempted to reach out, but I failed miserably (as we all do). I made it worse by turning my anger towards him and acting like he owed me something. When in reality, he owes us nothing. I mean he is a graceful God and loves us never ending, but what does he owe us? Nothing. But he gives it to us anyways. That is a relationship right there. A good one. He was there the entire time holding out his hand just ready for me to take it, but I once again, did not want to put forth the tiniest effort. I wanted everything done for me. So was the same in my relationship. I wanted things to change, but I didn't want to do it.

So where am I now? Well I can tell you that my relationship with God is much of the opposite of where it has ever been. I feel like I am just now starting to put forth the effort. The funny thing is, I have already seen and experienced more amazing, beautiful things (life, friends, love) since I have started to try. I also am able to see so many of the amazing things in the past that were right in front of my face that I missed out on. Fortunately, I now have the option to learn from this whole experience. Life is full of relationships. Please...do not take them for granted, friendships, intimate relationships, and God/Jesus/Holy Spirit (if applicable).

It has almost been a year since my previous relationship and for a while...I never thought I would be here. It is hard for me to believe that I have come so far. I honestly feel like a different person in certain aspects of my life. I am finally happy. I like it. I hope to stay this way and to continually strive in all of my relationships. I want to never be just "satisfied". It is too easy to get settled and live in the routine. And yes I am aware that it is easier said that done....


Sorry to drag everything out. Marriage post tomorrow!

- A dubs.

I saw this posted by a friend a while back and it has stuck with me since then. It was along these lines.

Would you rather be boasting in your weaknesses or rejoicing in your painful trials? 

Think about it!

The darkness shall set you free.

So it has been quite sometime. There is a reason for this. Unfortunately, it is not a good reason.


The reason being that I created this blog for an outlet for myself and a way to put my thoughts down on paper for anyone to read and provide some sort of “advice” or whatever you would like to call it. Trash, you could call it trash as well. I will not be offended.

I have wanted to write about this topic for almost a year, but I have not had the guts. I was very open to think it and say it behind closed doors, but I wouldn’t openly admit it to others.

In the darkest times of our lives we learn who we really are. What we are really made of, how strong we are, and what we are willing to do for a sense of “happiness”.

If you are not religious, you will still search and look for something great to provide happiness, well most people will.

So there I was. I had stated what I had believed for my whole life, but I was basically on a cliff…If I fell to the left I was going to fall back on my faith and know that things would be ok. If I fell to the right I was going to be pretty disappointed in the “God” that I had spent my life believing in and trying to be a good person for so he would bless me (justification by faith, not by works…by the way).

So honestly, I stood there for about 8 months. I had been constantly creeping to the right side because I was asking questions that I never imagined I would ask myself. I was trying to find answers in something other than whatever I had believed before. I wanted relief and comfort in tangible things. I wanted my friends, or family to make it all better. I was clearly not getting anything from this God that loved me so much. I was basically trying to disprove what I believed because I felt like I was getting no where with this whole concept of faith and the ridiculous amount of waiting and understanding that everything will be alright in the end. I literally wanted and did several times, say that I was just frustrated and angered by the way that I was being treated. I could not accept that God could let me go through this without any sort of assistance or show me any light at the end of the tunnel.

I was fed freaking up with him and all of his wacky antics. “yeah…yeah…yeah…turn something good out of this bad situation….” I mocked his words several times. Let’s not fool ourselves, whenever we are suffering from whatever it is that has a hold on us and brings us down, we start to think negatively, we can even become engulfed by its mindset. We can loose sight of the good.

I will try not to drag this out any further….but basically I was on the edge of the right side staring down, ready to just be done with it all. Luckily through the persistence of someone who does not owe us anything, and who loves and provide us with grace more than we will ever know, somehow reached to me. It came to me in a book. The Shack. I don’t know how everyone feels about it, but I do not care. I feel like it saved my life.

This book is for those who are hurt and suffering. For those who are standing there saying to God, “you are doing nothing, so why did I even ever waste my time on you”. I cried many times just thinking of how negative I was towards my Savior. I told him I wanted his help no more, but it was impossible to get rid of him. He constantly made himself known to me. He brought me to a place that I have never known before. He has put actual life into me. Life that has never been there. I feel like now I am starting to understand that I will not ever be able to understand the full power and ability of God.

I leave you with something simple. Question things. I think that it was the best thing for me to ever do. I know that it was one of the scariest times of my life because of what my 2 options were, but I questioned all that I could. Don’t be a believer who just accepts whatever you hear. Search for happiness and look for it. Remember…you will never find what you are truly looking for unless that thing is God. He is actually quite easy to find. He is everywhere and will always make himself known. I hate to tell you that the only true happiness is in a relationship with God. Also, if you are searching for answers, don’t be surprised when you do not find all of them. Just make an attempt to be content with the mysterious part of God and who he is (yes I know it can be very frustrating). I would recommend the book. It has many good points.

I will write you again very soon and explain some of the details. I promise.

“Lord show me the way, let my words be your words, let my thoughts be your thoughts, I give you my praise, show me the way, take me in your arms, never let me go, I trust in you for life to live, air to breathe, purity fill my lungs, Lord show me the way as I give myself to you, never let me go, hold me with you everlasting love, be my strength, be my voice, my glory, set me free”

He can really do all of those things, but man does it take time and a lot of patience…

millions of self righteous christians....including myself.

This should be plain and simple. At least I hope so.

Recently I had an occurrence where I was given advice (I guess we will call it that) to better improve my life or to greater expand my relationship with God. I saw several problems with this "advice" and several ways that I could use it, to my advantage instead of the context I felt it was used it.

1. This person did not know me well.
2. This person does not know what my relationship with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit is like, whether it is on the fritz or if it is on cloud nine (I've always wanted to use that).
3. Whether or not it was given with absolute sincerity, which I highly doubt because of the situation....why would a christian, say to someone(me the other christian), "hey if you just do this and this and this...or let God heal you....things will be better".  I mean that just makes me want to further and further push myself away from the crowd. I honestly hope that no christian would ever tell a non-religious person that God will fix all of your problems or make you instantly happy. Listen brother...that is just not realistic. I mean of course He offers a insurmountable love that we cannot experience from anyone or anything else, but I don't believe He will wash away all of the troubles in life in a jiffy. It takes time. Prayer. Faith. If we just got everything we wanted instantly from God, the world would not only be chaos, but it is unrealistic. We would never appreciate what good things are still left in the world.

That was off topic...but....

I am here to tell you that when we stumble...it sucks....and sometimes when we stumble hard it takes a while to get back up. Things do not tend to get better overnight....or even after a few days. I mean sometimes it takes months. There is no easy way to get through a hard part of life. Hopefully when you finally see the light you can grab onto it and get the hell out of there.

I felt attacked by the statements that were passed along towards me. I felt like I was being told by someone 'superior' what to do. I felt like lesser of a christian because of the apparently easy answer and easy solution.

Now...after a couple of weeks I have had time to sit and ponder everything. Maybe the advice was given out of true sincerity. Whether or not it was I have taken this from it...

I felt it was approached the completely wrong way. I believe in loving people for who they are and making sure that is shown. I believe the true way to bring someone to Christ is to express the love that He gives to you and then present that to those who need it. I do not see the purpose of these comments that are asked and used everyday by millions of believers.

We are recruited to tell everyone go do this and do that. Tell someone that God will save them if they just stop sinning. (well yeah he will save you...he has already saved you...he will always love you no matter what) I think by loving someone you attract them towards this lifestyle that God really wanted us to live out. Not this publicly, "i am a christian, look at me, i do good things'', self-righteous, or arrogant prick lifestyle, which I have noticed more and more people are living. Hey I am not saying I am not an arrogant person. I am full of myself. I hate it and I know it is not any worse, but I could never come down on someone by telling them that their relationship with God is faulty or that they need to do this, that or the other to fix it.

Unless......goes back to point 1....unless they were a dear friend of mine and I knew that he or she was struggling and I knew their story. I believe we are called to be there for people and for our friends. I do not appreciate the advice coming from someone who has no idea who I am or what I am about. I know I am bitter because of the situation...but come on...don't ever give someone advice where you don't know the full situation, story, or all of the details, just to boost your own ego or to make yourself feel good.

"Yeah God, I totally gave that guy some advice that he really needed today. He was lost and now he knows what to do!" I just imagine us doing this over and over. Read this.

Romans 3 : 10,20 “There is no one righteous, not even one...For no one is declared righteous before him by the works of the law, for through the law comes the knowledge of sin"

Don't be a self righteous person. Don't do it for your own self worth.

Say this instead..."God I totally loved that guy today. He really needed it. He is still lost, but he knows that I love him no matter what he has done or does. Help me to continually provide your love to him."

Advantages of this conversation...

1. Keep my friends (I actually know them and their stories) accountable and don't be afraid to help them out
2. Don't act like I know what anyone else is going through because I have no idea
3. Don't offer a quick fix, there isn't one. Give love. Offer advice if they truly want it.

-Christopher Adam

June 22nd 2010 - time to grow up

Today started off as a normal day. As it comes to and end...I have realized something. I need to grow up. Wow...big shocker eh? Well I know I have grown up a lot lately, but I have realized that I still need to.

I am tired of being angry and bitter. It has worn me down and I realized today that it will never give me satisfaction like I thought it would. I have been asking and asking for an opportunity and when I was finally given one...I failed. Thank Jesus my good side was able to control me.

There is one simple message to this. If you claim that you love people no matter what, then flipping prove it. Don't be a hypocrite. I am one. I don't like it. I have to work on that. I have to work on a lot of things. But hey I am at least admitting and trying to work on it. I am only 22 and I am wanting to grow up already. Isn't something backwards about that? Well I think that is what I am being called to do. I need to be a man. I think being a man has a lot of perks.

Apparently some girls like "men". I am not really a manly man, but I will do what I can. Anyways, this is rambles and shambles...whatever that means. Today was just a good day.

I call it Bike Ride Revelations, with Christopher Adam Wilkerson. Join me almost everyday around 6ish - 8ish. I like to ride my bike and think happy thoughts, listen to music, witness people that are enjoying the beauty in this world, and if your lucky, you might come across someone who will remind you what you're all about.

Love. "Be a man" I said to myself. Don't be a child. My childish years are over I 'm afraid. God. Help me to be a man please. Thank you for this revelation and thank you for my bike.

-Christopher A. Wilkerson

Sleep it off.

Hey. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Become real. I want to be Joel Barish. And. Goodnight.

an american dream gone wrong.

Don't exactly know where this will go like always but....here we go.

Two rivers park, late at night, pitch black, stars were beautiful, lightning bugs were even more amazing.
Complete with two great friends and amazing conversations. 23, 22 and 22 years of age. Admitting that growing up sucks. Admitting that we have no really big clue as to what is going on. Well maybe that one is just me, but I am speaking for them as well.

We mostly talk of relationships and how we are just dumbfounded by them. That may be only me still, but again I am speaking for them too. Anyways, I just really appreciate that I have friends like this. We did not plan on discussing these things. We did not plan on feeling better after 'talking'. We just wanted to get out of the house and do something, so we decided to walk around and ended up talking on a bench near the arkansas river for an hour or so.

It was something that just hit me really the next day or so. I don't know what I would do without my friends. They build me up and I hope to do the same for them.

So there we are talking about girls and just how we were curious to what the next years were to bring. Where would our group be? Would we be even more dispersed? How often would we see each other? It is scary to think about, but sooner or later it will happen. We will all grow up in some shape or form and will be invested in other things, such as work.....or....family. I still want to try. I have to try. I never want to lose the bond I have with them. I do not care the slightest bit how 'gay' that sounds. I love them to death and love them more than any girl. I will choose my dudes before the chicks, they don't dominate your life....that is another topic.

But back to the bench....Brad brought up a good point about religion. I had to think on it for a little bit and I never really even responded, but I was trying to be careful of what I said.

"Religion does not make things better or anything go away or make life better"
I think that is around what was said.

I have to agree. Religion is such a scary word these days. So is Christianity. 9 times out of 10 I am worried to admit what I believe because I will be shuffled into a group of judgmental people that I do not want to be like.

So I agree because religion does not cure anything. I think I can honestly say that love and faith in God/Jesus does cure, but I can also say that it is one of the hardest things to do all of the time, for me at least. You are lucky if you are able to do that all of the time...or you are probably lying to yourself and everyone else. I just kept coming back to the phrase Brad said. I mean it really doesn't cure or fix anything. There are no magic fixes in life or get out of jail free cards. There are struggles and hardships. But there is Jesus. I know if you don't believe in Jesus then what I am saying is pointless, but think of it this way. I am not saying that religion is pointless, no...no...no.

It takes patience. It takes time. It takes learning. Praying. Growing. And a lot of love. I like believing and having faith in something (even if it is very hard right now for me). I want to believe that things happen for a reason and that there is someone greater out there that loves me for all of my imperfections. That gives me comfort and makes me strive to be a better person. I know that may be a "sorry" answer for some people. I am sure as I grow up it will mature into a better one, but for now I am trying to be a better human being. I have definitely stopped waiting for the "quick fix" because I have been waiting for several months and I got nothing. I have not given any effort for a fix though and that is the truth.

I wish people did not think that God blesses those who only do good deeds or pray all of the time. He blesses everyone and does not show favoritism. Its in the bible. Read it. Romans I believe. I came to my own conclusion about this scenario that maybe when we do pray and ask for the guidance or blessings, He makes it more apparent to us and we can see things more clearly within the situation. If we just sit around waiting for a magical explanation or answer then what is the point of having faith and believing that he will always provide? I don't know it may be a silly conclusion. But hey to each his own.

That was a little extra tid bit of information. Ok where were we? I honestly don't know and I do not feel like reading the previous text, so I think I was around here...

I have to pull some lyrics from a song in order to make this title make sense.
"this is no longer the american dream, we’ve cut the tongue from society, forcing consumption, never hearing “no.” we’ve brainwashed our children to believe this is destiny."

When I hear this I think to myself that I wish I could go back to 15 years of age when things were easy and I did not think about all of this.

I recently saw my niece become baptized. My brother baptized her and I almost cried seeing it happen because 1. It made me super happy to see. 2. I know she was doing it for the right reasons. 3. I am sensitive.


But I had to think about how when I was young...I had no idea....no idea how things could change in an instant. How everything you were used could do a 180. What sucks is that you have to almost always experience this for yourself to understand it, but I wonder if we prepare our children for the real world like we should. When I was 15 I would have disagreed with "religion does not cure anything". I would have been upset with whoever said that. That may be a learning through experience thing that we all have to go through. I don't know. I do know I am rambling so I will cut it off.


If there is a point in all of this. It is that religion cannot create happiness. 1 million dollars can buy you some things but not true happiness. Jesus can provide happiness, but don't expect it to be a quick fix. Why can't it though? Man....I have been asking that myself for a while now. Also, try to think back when you were younger and how 'safe' or how 'naive' you were. Maybe you still are. How do you feel now? Grown up? Good luck to you. I wish you all the very best.


I love you Brad and Joe.


"My Blood is tainted with bitterness.
I want it out, I want it out of me.
Oh, the taste of my inheritance.
How I have fallen, the hills will cover me.
You too will become weak."

-Christopher Adam

Let's get real....real honest.

Ok. This will be short. I woke up earlier today...not at 12:04pm...I promise. I just felt good. I decided...."you know what...I am tired of this "dark" mindset that I have been having. I think I have been almost forcing myself in it, for reasons I do not know...at all.

So here is my plan...because I stated earlier this month...I needed some sort of plan of action. I don't think it has to be some "amazing five step plan"...I just think/know now I need something. I need a better routine in life.

I know I am still only 22 years old and I still plan on having plenty of fun....but....I mean it is time to start growing up...I hate to say it. I want to make an excuse for the dumb things I do and say "oh i am just young and immature". I mean I could say that now but I would be going against how I feel inside. I will also admit, I will probably do a few stupid things before I die...I am just taking a guess, but I think you get the picture mostly.

I have not had alcohol in over 2 weeks. Not that I drink a ton or anything, but I did go through a period were I was drinking more than I felt I should. I am not trying to excuse myself, but I mean...I still didn't drink like most college kids. I am no better, just had to throw that out there in case my mom reads this.

So back to my plan and my darkness...

I have been constantly searching and questioning things. Not really in a bad way...just a "I am curious about this, why did this happen". I think were I have been going wrong was that I have not actually been 'searching' I have been telling myself that. I have not actually sat down and prayed or written about it. I suck right? Yes.
I want to stop thinking 'dark' thoughts.

My plan? It's the annoying/simple/cliche answer. I need to pray.

For the longest time and even now I have a really hard time with prayer. I just want to see the benefits immediately. I don't have patience. So I will learn to have it. I will learn and grow up. I have to do this. I want to know what life and love really is about. I don't think I have ever experienced it fully for or for an extended period of time. I want to love someone else like Jesus loves me. That will be a big challenge but I know that I have never really loved and appreciated like I can or should. I also know I can do it.

See? I already feel better by writing this down and by knowing what I will do. I hope I can stick to it. I want to grow and learn what life is all about.

I started reading the book "The Shack". I have only read a few pages...but I have a feeling this will be a part of my routine. Good luck to you all. I hope you are finding what you are all looking for.

Don't be satisfied with what you are in, unless you are constantly being challenged and learning something. Complacency is the devil. I have been hanging with the devil for quite sometime.

-Christopher Adam Wilkerson-

"It's hard to be the better man
When you forget you're trying
It's hard to be the better man
When you're still lying"

yes.

The night's hard to get through, with nobody in your bed....right?

I think everyone should at least just listen to this song. To me it means a lot. It also says a lot about how I feel right now. I am searching. Attempting to fight. I am tired.

myspace.com/brandnew

"Jesus / Jesus Christ"


Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
'cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you're coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Find your own happiness, I can't seem to find mine.

So. It has been quite a while since I actually got the guts to write to this thing again. I don't know why it has taken me so long to write....well I do...I'd be lying to myself if I said that.

Well I have come to a conclusion. I don't know if it is right. If it is even a good one. I just feel like it came to me over the almost 2 months of not writing.....

i am responsible for my own happiness right now.

I kept on looking to my friends to bring something to the table. I kept looking for them to fulfill my meter of this imaginary satisfaction I have created. I was looking to my family to give me all of the love I needed. I was expecting them to make me feel 100 percent better all of the time. Where my friends and family have done so much to give me happiness and love....its not the same, or at least it is not what I am trying to say.

I don't even know exactly what I am trying to say. I mean I would hate to throw out the cliche answer and say that you will only find all of your happiness and love in your relationship with God. Where that may be, and probably is true....I am having the hardest time following through with that.

I have been constantly meeting new people, seeing friends graduate, seeing friends progress in life, move away, get a job, the same old routine that happens as we age....but I have to wonder...are they even happy?

I have always considered myself to be happy and have a lot going for me (which i do...trust me, i have no doubt how blessed I am and how fortunate i am. thank you Jesus for that) but lately I have figured that I am going to have to do something myself if i want this uplifting feeling in my life now. I felt like when I was younger, happiness was never an issue, it was just playing with friends...doing nothing...now it is work to me.

Is this even making sense to you? It is not at all to me. let me be blunt....this brand new song is how i feel a lot recently...

"I know you'll come in the night like a thief, but I've had some time Oh, Lord, to hone my lying technique, I know you think I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared, I'll get scared, and I swear I'll try and nail you back up."

I am not trusting God right now. I am trying to. It is hard for me to. It makes it even harder for me to know that when I do become close and let him help me and love me, that I know sooner or later I am going to "nail him back up". And believe me when I say I am not trying to be negative, I am just trying to be honest.

How am I supposed to let people close to me if I cant even trust the one who I worship and claim to love more than any being in this world?

This all relates to my first point of "finding your own happiness" because, I honestly cant seem to find mine. I don't think this is a bad thing right now. I am hoping I am just growing up and figuring out who I am and where I am on this amazing, but terrifying and uncomfortable thing we call life. I connect it with this....

I read a post by a dear friend of mine not to long ago, about walking with a positive mindset, or a mindset set on God if you will. A mindset where you may not know where the hell you are going, or why you are upset, but a mindset and a plan that you will keep going. You will keep fighting.....and never...ever....give up on searching. I like to think I have been searching for these past 2 months...not so much fighting or praying for guidance...but definitely searching for it.

And it almost upsets me to know that I finally found my cliche answer again. Damn......and as I am typing this it becomes even more clear.

Jesus. Why does it always have to be that "simple"? Well it is a simple answer, with many many ways of getting there, at least it is for me.

So. My plan? I honestly don't really know. I am going to try and pursue that relationship again. I remember what it feels like. It seems like that might solve my two problems right now....finding my happiness....and figuring out what the hell i am doing in life. The sad thing is I know I am only at the start, this event could possibly happen again.

Maybe next time I will be more prepared.

I saw something so simple it literally brought me to tears....sad to say it was in the movie "Evan Almighty".
In the movie Morgan Freeman (God) says to Evan's wife...."when people pray for patience...do you think God just gives it to them? No, he provides them with an opportunity to be patient..." It made me think, how simple it is....but how I always seem to turn it into either a complex situation...or how I expect God to baby me and just give me my patience...or whatever else I ask.

That was random....this may have been so convoluted you got nothing out of it. I'm sorry. I am going to start writing again though. So yeah.


-Christopher. A. Wilkerson.

Destin. Spring Break.

good time in destin. i will write more. about it. but hope everything and everyone is well. school is almost out. i am ready to be out of this place.


-christopher adam

So you don't want to go to church anymore? Eh?

“Although I had been a Christian for more than two decades, I had no concept of who Jesus was as a person and no idea how I could change that.”

That is a quote from this book I have been reading. I have not be a Christian for over two decades and I would like to think I have or have had some concept of who Jesus was as a person. But I just recently discovered how to "change that".

I consider Jesus the same as God. Both are love. Both are amazing. 

I find many themes in this book and I have almost finished it. I absolutely love it because of how down to earth it is. It is, to me, "Christianity that is actually all about following Christ", not "Christianity that seeks approval or makes one feel better for doing good deeds". I could go on and on with that stuff, but the purpose of this post is to describe what I have already taken out of it. I have not even finished it, but I am already planning on re-reading it in order to fully soak it in.

The main character in the book is constantly searching and trying to figure out how to grow closer to God. He goes through many trials, complications, and low points in his life. He tries to find God at first, by creating these excessive routines or schedules and learns that it does not work that way. I am not against a "quiet time" (have not said that reference in a while) every morning. I do not think that is wrong at all. I think it is wrong when we, as people set up these schedules and routines and then miss a day or two and then we look down upon ourselves, or even sometimes get the notion that God is disappointed we missed that quiet time. I think that is silly if we are striving to seek God and we truly want to know him more, but we focus on making every little thing right, when we all know that sometimes life is going to throw a curve ball at us and we will not be able to make our daily appointments. Trust me I am not knocking or bashing doing this! I like to read at night because I am not a morning person.

I have also realized that living in the moment that God has given us now is so important. Everyday is a chance to live in joy and I can definitely agree and know that hard times happen, but obsessing over the future can almost always only lead to trouble. I have learned to be able to almost always have my door open to talk to God/Jesus. I have learned that He doesn't require you to be in a church to talk to him. You don't have to be on your knees to pray. I have found some of my most connected moments with God have been while running or driving, or riding my bike. I am able to see the things he has done. I am able to listen to music and just open myself up. Sometimes I don't even say anything I just close my eyes and feel like I am receiving a hug. Every time I do that I just get the chill bumps all over. I have never felt that freedom like I do now.

I would like to believe it is because I am finally starting to learn and grow up, but by constantly seeking him out to help guide me. I am trying to accept wherever I go and whoever I go with, that is what should happen. I want to love whatever situation that is put in front of me.

But I rambled, like usual. Basically in the book so far, the main character has been counseled by this man he believed at one point was the Apostle John. John represents Jesus and does nothing but provide an amazing example of love, forgiveness, and a longing to establish a relationship.

I know it sounds weird...but I just thought of this. I want to have a stronger relationship with Jesus, than I do any person on this earth. That is a weird concept because we cannot physically see him. We are establishing a relationships built on faith and love. I failed to mention the Holy Spirit earlier, but this is how we have this connectedness and love with our Father. The Holy Spirit is what connects us. Also, we are so afraid to let ourselves be fully involved in relationships with other people, but it seems it should be easier with God because he has never done anything but tell us how much he loves us. Jesus wanted his message across, and that message was to connect with him...love him...love everyone else.

Seems simple enough? Well it's not. It is hard to love.

Just some random thoughts. Hope you can take something from it.

"In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul."

Psalm 138:3

He does answer, but sometimes it takes a while. Be patient those of you who are longing for something. He will never ever put you through something you cannot handle or that is not worth it in the end.

-Christopher Adam

I want questions. I want answers. I'll take both please.

That is all we do. Want...want...want...I still feel that way even though I openly admit it and know it.

I had the pleasure of enjoying a great evening this past Saturday with 2 good friends. We talked about life, love, relationships, sadness, overall questions of life that we often ask (I do very often).

It got me thinking...I have noticed myself listening to more music centered around trying to 'figure it out'. Most of them pertain to God and why are these specific things happening in my life. Why me? Why does it suck? Where is the good? You know basic, "me me me" stuff. We can never get enough of complaining. I know I can't. But anyways, this music has influenced a lot of my thinking. Thinking about life, about love, about relationships, sadness, happiness...you get it.

I have been able to pray honestly a lot more often. I don't understand why we get in this mindset we are not able to ask God questions. I mean I have not cursed Him, well yet, but I have definitely had thoughts come through my mind recently such as..."I do not see any reason for any of this". Of course we can all fill in the blank of the classic Sunday School answer of "Oh!!! Don't worry! God does everything for a purpose and it will bless you in the end!!!" Yeah, well listen crazy lady who probably judges all of those children....that may be correct (and yes I do believe that), but you try and tell that to someone who is truly hurting, and he/she should shove it right back at you.

"We're at our best when we're at our worst". I am taking the "worst" as lowest point when it comes to grief and sadness. I feel like that is true. Over these past few months I was at my worst. But during this time I have been able to grow up so much. I have been able to actually establish a relationship with someone who I will always love and trust, even when I don't understand it. I am not afraid to ask questions. I cannot think of a time when I have been told, that it is ok or acceptable to question God and his plan. Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying that he is doing anything wrong, I am saying I want to be able to be close with my Savior. For me to have an absolute close relationship with him, of course I will eventually learn to accept everything he has done for me in my life, but that doesnt mean I will just be overly happy about every time I get dominated emotionally or physically. Why would someone who just broke their back and say "Oh God, I am so excited I am in pain, I know this is for a reason!". That is not cool. I am honestly afraid to state I am a "christian" in public because of how we act. I think if I said this information in public, I would be in trouble.

I don't know who I am more worried for, a Christian who will accept everything as soon as they hear it or a nonbeliever who has an amazing heart and has shown more love than the religious. I think it is almost easier for me to trust nonbelievers rather than Christians. I feel like I can have a more spiritual conversation with them. (I know this is not true all of the time, but I have honestly met non-believers that have had greater hearts than tons of believers, and I know for a fact there are tons more out there).

I know this is kind of "scary" or random, I don't know. I just hate to think we are not allowed to be curious.
I hope no one thinks I have lost any faith or anything. That is completely the opposite. I have done nothing but increased my faith. Because I have learned to accept through time what I have gone through, and why it had to happen. It took 5 months for me to accept it. I fought with God for a while. After I got no where, and after realizing I was a little outmatched, I stepped down.

So I decided to do the only thing I knew what to do. I prayed and journaled. I said "I don't like this, I am upset with you right now, but I know you love me, please let me get through this and come out stronger". My prayers are and have come true. Thank you Father.

I love you. Please continue to provide....I know you will. (But I may ask you to hurry it up...cause I'm inpatient.)

-Christopher Adam Wilkerson.

My life was mapped out.

Don't get me wrong. I mean I was excited to have my life planned out for the next 5, 10, 20 years. But...that kind of stuff changes. And besides, how can I act like I know or have a clue what is going to happen or where I will be?

Well I will tell you why and how...because I want safety....I want comfort. I do not want to have 'unexpected' events to happen. I want full control. Ahhhh....control....it is so nice. I have come to a beautiful yet frightening realization.

The moment I become comfortable and content....I am not happy. I think I am happy. I think that feeling safe is happiness. Let me tell you something. You can feel safe alllll you want. But to me that is not happiness. I mean sure I want to feel safe and comfortable with that person, but what else is there?

That is a question I have been constantly asking myself. I really have not grasped the full answer yet, but I am pretty sure it is a very large one. I think it could be like never ever 'settling' into the daily routines (I know it is impossible to avoid with somethings), but always trying on both ends. I am no where near marriage because I know I have to grow up a lot. I want to know in my heart that I am ready and will constantly seek a continuous relationship with my wife. I have lived too many dull moments, and I will live a ton more, but at least it makes me feel better typing this. I just want to be a man that never gives up, that never settles in anything for her or myself.

Having said all of that. I never would have realized it if it wasnt for an 'unexpected' event. Those events can open a lot of eyes and doors. It sure has allowed me to see who I really am and who I would love to strive to be. I would like to be the man my parents have raised me to be. I think I am finally on the right track. I look forward to where it takes me. I think, well actually I know, that it will take me somewhere and to someone absolutely amazing.

I know it sucks. But don't count on your life being mapped out. It is in a sense, but you have no idea what could or couldnt happen. I know it sucks not knowing the answers. I have obsessed over that long enough and it is a lot easier now that I do not worry about it.

Love can bring happiness & it can tear you down to nothing.

Learn from it. You will gain some happiness back.


Quick side note.

March 3, 2010 was my mother's 55th birthday. My mother has done nothing but amazing things in my life. She is the strongest woman I know and her heart has showed me what it is like to really love someone. Her birthday was on a wednesday and the weather exemplified who she was. It was beautiful. I could do nothing but smile when I was outside, because I could only think of her. Mom, I love you. There is nothing really more to say.

- Christopher Adam

friendship. it is very important to me. especially these 2

Whenever I think back on high school. I think of a couple of things. I think of playing drums in our band for a few years. I remember how there was really nothing to do in high school. I remember sitting at the lunch tables after eating and just talking to friends. But. The part I remember and miss the most was my senior year. I feel like my senior year was one of the greatest years of my life. I became good friends with 2 people that year. I became very close to them both and loved and still love them to this day. We were inseparable. We hung out all of the time. We were the three 'amigos', as a lot of dorky people say. 

High school came and went in a few weeks it seemed. Summer began and then college started. College went by even faster. I mean it is almost the end of my 4th year. I have graduated and am in graduate school. What happened to seeing my 2 friends everyday after school? Playing music in my garage? Going to a parking lot and doing nothing? Being bored? Now life has come and we got ourselves in a big damn hurry it seems. Just like Brooks says in shawshank redemption.

The thing I love about these two people is how we all appreciate each other whether or not we are vocal about it. It is just understood. We are all too proud almost anyway to even say it out loud. That is a 'guy' for ya I guess.

Here is where my dilemma comes into play. I know I am no where near perfect and I never claim to be. I don't want anyone to ever get the impression I have all the answers, because I do not. But I always wanted to do my best to be an example or just be there for them. I feel like I don't have the answers anymore. I felt at one time I could be there for them anytime and help comfort them with whatever they needed. Now I just feel like I do not have any advice that makes anything better. I always wanted to be strong and present no weakness, but that is impossible. I am in a point in my life where I am growing up myself and going through many life changes. It hurts me when I do not have an answer...I want to have a 'magic answer' that makes it all better. But I am looking for that answer myself.

Life would be easier if we could go back to that senior year I believe. Now things are very different. They are harder.

Mike - I have known you for a long time. I honestly never would have thought you would be put in my life the way you were. I have respect for you more than anyone on this earth, and that is the absolute truth. I care about what you think more than anyone I have ever met and I don't think that will change. I have seen you at all time low's and all time high's. You have been through so much that it just hurts me to think about. I would do anything in this world for you and have never bonded with someone like I have you. I love you and appreciate everything you are and have done for me. As for Madison....I know how much she means to you. She makes you actually express yourself, which let's face it, you like to keep that inside. I would not be where I am without you. I love you like I love my own brother.


Joe - I have also known you for a long time. I remember how you and I never clicked until senior year. I hope you know how much I love you. I always hated how people never could look at a person's heart. You have a heart that I don't even know you are aware of. It is such a forgiving and loving heart. You have been through so much as well. I hate it for you and wish nothing but happiness for you. I hate it that I cannot provide you with an adequate answer that will make you feel better. I can only hope that the good times are right around the corner. I have told you things that no one else has ever heard. I will never...ever...think any differently of you. I will never and have never thought any less of you. You could never do anything to make me love you any less. That is a promise. I will always love you and want to be in your life. If you let me, I will. You make me laugh every time I am around you. You are a genuine person. I want you to know how I care about you. 

Friendships are usually only for a particular season in our lives. Friends come and friends go. I cannot accept this statement when it pertains to our friendship. I will not accept it. There was and still is something too strong for us to think that our friendship was a season. I love you both. I pray for you both often. I don't think I will ever run into a friendship like this one again.

I can only hope and pray that we all grow up into the people we were made to be. I know that during this specific moment may be difficult for us all. But I have seen how strong both of you are. And I know...I really do know....we will all make it.

"give ear to my words, Lord, consider my sighing,
listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray,
in the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation"
Psalm 5:1-3

I am waiting for them to be answered.

I love you both.

Tell me another story.

-Christopher Adam Wilkerson

Start over with pain.

So. Pain. It can be and has been one of the most annoying things hanging around me recently. It has also been the most revealing and powerful "thing" to impact my life. What would life be without pain and hurt?

Probably amazing. But......that is not how our world is....and besides these situations can end up bringing the best out of us and change who we are as people, hopefully for the better. I think for some of us (I know for me) it takes drastic changes or events to take place in order to smack us in the head and cause us to realize what has been going on. I am trying to deal with that now and learn from it. I am trying to grow.

I am trying to grow up.

A song by brand new I have come to love is called daisy. This is just a portion.

I think it speaks a lot about growing and starting over. Starting new. Ultimately we cannot grow on our own. We need assistance.


"I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run
I'm a preacher with no pulpit
Spewing a sermon that goes on and on...

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn to seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like you knew he was trying to start things over again
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way"


I can relate. A lot.

"It'd be all right, it's all right. He is trying to start things over again."


Accept it. It is hard. I know cause I don't want to lose control. But I never really had it.

-Christopher Adam.

The Future. What is out there? What will happen...?

What will happen in a week. A month. Year. 5 years. 10 years. ??? Does anyone know? I wish I did, but then I have to ask myself. Where would the excitement be?

I know we all say we want to know the future and what will happen, but I think the truth is, in most situations we should be patient and let it all play out. I know this is soooo much easier said than done. I mean I have been incredibly impatient most of my life. I am learning to be patient now.

I feel that it lowers your stress, blood pressure, craziness, and helps you sleep at night. I love to sit awake at night trying to decide how to "control" situations. Even when I know they are out of my hand. The sad thing is I clearly know this, but I still do it. Idiotic right? Well I have no excuse.

I was running last night and was listening to music that gave me a peace I have been waiting for. I wish it lasted longer, but even in the brief minute or 2 I felt so close and so connected. I wanted that feeling forever. I wanted to feel everything off my shoulders constantly.

I got that feeling because I asked for it. So I guess I will start to ask for it more often and I will begin to ask for 'future' guidance. A lyric that inspires me and gives me chill bumps every time I read it.

"Lord, show me the way. I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love."

Only He will show me the way. Help me, please God.

-chris w.

Life, what happened?

22 years old.

I drove by my house yesterday. I had a rush of memories come to me. It is crazy. We think we are moving so slow. Time is at a standstill. We are going nowhere.

The truth is, I remember like yesterday counting slug bugs with my dad on our way home from school everyday. I remember riding my bike after school. I miss hanging out with friends during high school. I miss those times. I miss friends now that I don't see anymore.

I am thankful for the ability to hold on to these thoughts and good times. I have been jotting thoughts down here and there, because I worry I will forget things.

Sorry there is no point to this post...just thought I would share.

Just try to remember to hold on to those memories that are important to you. Good or bad. They can be learned from.

-Christopher

Come...now...sleep.

This cannot be long, because I am sleepy. It is 12:33 and I need rest.

I don't really know what I was going to even say now. I titled this Come...now...sleep. I guess that is what is on my mind. I interpret it not just as sleep though. I interpret it is as peace as well.

I want rest. I know where to find it. I know how to receive it. So. I need to get started.

I will be happy the day it is fully here.

Psalm 25:16-18

"Turn to me and be gracious, for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins."

You should get started too.

What does he say?

Come all ye weary right?

I am weary. I am out in the open. I am releasing everything.

Sleep well to you all.


Come...now...sleep.

Love. It's Valentine's Day.

This will not be long. But I just have to express it.

Love.

It could be one of the most powerful things. We cannot even explain love. Well I mean we can. But there is nothing tangible about love. We can buy each other presents all day long. Give flowers. Chocolate (the candy or the movie with Johnny Depp)...But we still feel it inside of us. It is such an amazing and powerful thing. I am very thankful for its power. I am thankful of how it makes you feel, if you just let it flow from you. I feel that is a basic concept of representing Christ.

Loving others. Loving yourself. Love God.

The one girl who has made me realize this does not even know. She has no clue. She is now one of the most important things to me and she doesn't now. I see her and just want to hold her tight. She is beautiful. I am very excited to be involved in her life. Her name is Madison Avery Tharel. She is full of love. She doesn't even know it. She has brought happiness to me and she does not even mean to or know she is doing it. She brightens my day every time I see her. She is amazing.







Happy Valentine's Day Madison.

Goodnight

Goodnight world.

May we all sleep well for a night.

significance, connectedness, and love

It is late and I am very tired. I played in the snow today. I love me some snow days. I love my friends as well. I was meaning to write yesterday about what was discussed in church, but I did not get around to doing it. So....


Ever since the beginning God has declared a sense of "value" or significance for everyone. He has never elevated someones worth or decreased its value. Everyone knows that God loves everyone, or at least they should know that, but this is not what I am saying. I am saying that God values each and everyone of us. All the same. We are all significant to him. And that significance is in a level we will never understand. But we should acknowledge how much we mean to him.

Connectedness...We have always been destined to long for a connection with people...relationships...but our first connection...our main connection should be with our Lord. God created us with a feeling of wanting more and wanting to be a part of something. Relationships, organizations, jobs, communities, churches...stuff like that. This is not a bad thing.

So let me paint this picture that was described to me.

God...Adam....Eve.
There was a significance that God placed in both of them. There was a connectedness that they all shared. Those 2 things were not any greater than you or I. God gives the same amount with everyone. So the fall of man happens. This is when "we" (because we should not just consider the first 2 who sinned, we are all in it together), decided to take the "value" and "connectedness" into our own hands. This clearly caused a problem. We did not feel valued like we use to. We no longer felt as connected.

This brings us to multiple problems we have today. We have this sense of "value" so what do we do? We do whatever we can so that we may have a feeling of significance. We want to be "remembered" for something, whether that is impacting peoples lives, being an amazing husband, friend, father, christian, son, brother (those are the top of my list). Like I said earlier, this is not a bad thing. It is good that we strive to want to be better and great, but...I think we often forget, and I have forgotten myself...

God cares about us all the same. He of course loves us all the same. And he definitely values us all of the same. I wish I could remind myself of this. Because I hate getting caught up in trying to "be that better person" just so people see that I am holy or good. I forget why I am really doing it. I want to do it for God. I want to serve him by serving others. I know God values me and what I do in my life. I finally have accepted that. I do not have to be a renown person to be valued by Him. It is funny how basic, yet so abundantly mysterious God is.

Connectedness. We want to feel connected. We had it perfect with Adam & Eve and God. But Man often 'controls' situations and desires to do it on his/her own. Once we destroyed that perfect triangle that contained God - Value & Connectedness (Us in the center), it went downhill. But now we still long for connectedness. We join communities, we have friend groups, we join groups at church, we are longing to be in relationships with people, because of our desire to connect with people. Like I said these are all good things and we should want to connect with people, but it can become scary, when we forget the connectedness God established with us since the beginning. We put all of our connection into other relationships instead of the one who blessed us with it.

I do this. I have done this for a long long time. I was talking to a friend I have not talked to in quite some time tonight. He said something that frightened me because of the truth behind it. I know this does not apply to everyone but it applied to me. He said. "It is unfortunate that we as young adults date other people whenever we are not even secure in our own relationship with God. I wish I would have considered this concept." I think this is our connectedness being disconnected if you will. I have experienced this. Where I thought I was secure, I was honestly not. I did not have a foundation and a strong base like I want/need. I know this is how we learn sometimes. It sucks and it is hard. But that is how life is. Accept it. Grow from it.

Sorry for the rambling. Hopefully some of this made sense.

Strive to maintain that connectedness with God. Know that he values you as He values everyone else. I think we will all be better off.

Goodnight. It is past my bedtime.

Quote "God does grace reach, to this side of madness? Cause I know this can't be the great peace we all seek."



-Christopher A. Wilkerson

Where is "the great peace we all seek"?

I have found what could possibly be my fatal flaw. Controlling an issue. Well...trying at least. It never works out the way I want it to.

Yeah...I figured out because it is not my job to control it.

My Lord takes care of that and me.

I wanted what I wanted so I tried to control and force it.

Let me let you in on a secret. That does not work. Not now. Not ever.

Thank you God so much for strong friends. I never knew how uplifting and loving they could be. I also never knew how comforting you can be. And you came in when I was too weak to carry on and "control" the situation. You knew I had gone far enough and beaten myself completely down. I was too broken. You came (but you were always there) and loved me. You held me. I thank you. Please help me to keep you here. I love this feeling and I do not want it to go away. You are too good. You are God. You make everything better.

I want to live with you forever. I want you first. I have to have you first. I think life would be so much easier.

I Love you Jesus/God/Holy Spirit.


Psalm 6:2 "Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish, How long, O Lord, how long?"

Not much longer. You are here.

"I'm sure if you wanted to stop love, you could just untie your end, and let it go...but my God, you don't....yeah I think I love you for it."

-Christopher Wilkerson

Praying for yourself.

I was always taught to be considerate of others. I was taught to treat them as I wanted myself to be treated. A thought crossed my mind over these past few weeks. Lately whenever I pray, I typically pray for my friends and family and thank God for the things I have and ask him to be with me.

In this specific "season" of my life, I am going through things I never thought I would. I have been thinking the next time I pray, I don't only pray about myself, but I ask God to please help and guide me through this time. I want to focus on the Lord comforting me and getting me through this "season" I am in. I want to be selfish and I want God with me right now. (I know he is with everyone) but I want him right now, because I know that without him, I cannot get through this.

I know he will do it, and is clearly capable of doing it. I just forget to actually pray for myself and admit to him how desperate and saddened I am. It is like I am ashamed or embarrassed to feel this way so I hide it from everyone around me the best I can.

So God. Please. I do need you. I want you to help me. I know you will. I love you.

-Christopher Adam Wilkerson